Things HP characters wud neva say!
by alyssialui
Summary: Heres another list of various situations, scenarios and statements taht the characters of the Potterverse would never utter from their mouths, JKRowling forbid. I hope you find it funny
1. Chapter 1

**THINGS HARRY POTTER CHARACTERS WOULD NEVER SAY**

**Dec 31, 2006**

(At the end of GOF, wen Harrys tied to the tombstone, Voldemort touches Harrys cheek wid the tip of his finger)

Harry: Now don't go all Michael Jackson on me, Voldy.

Harry: Shes with me!

Ron: No, shess with me!

Hermione: Guys!!! I jus wanted 2 tll u 2 that Im pregnant.

Boys backin away from her

Harry: I don't know her.

Ron: Never seen her before in my life

Harry: The name's Potter, Harry Potter.

Draco: Potter, can I borrow your invisibility cloak?

Harry: Wat 4?

Draco: I want 2 go spy on the girls who play Quidditch changin into their robes.

Harry: Im coming wid u!

(Dumbledore brings a wardrobe in front of Voldemort and opens it for a boggart to come out, the boggart is a pink bunny rabbit. Dumbledore looks confused)

Dumbledore: I thought the thing i feared the most was me?

Voldemort: No, that was jus an act. Wen I was 3, I got bitten by a cuddly pink bunny. They creep me out soooo bad. Shivers.

The Sorting Hat: "You know wat? I am sick of sorting student after student year after year. Wat is it worth really?"

Harry: "Okay Sorting Hat thats enough!"

The Sorting Hat: "DIDN'T I TELL YOU NOT TO BACK SASS ME WIZARD BOY. I AM THE SORTING HAT AND NO ONE WOULD EVER DARE TEST ME BIACH!"

Hagrid: (Grabs the hat and starts wrestling with it)

Mcgonigal: "The Hat's gone MAD!!!"

Hagrid: "Blimy!! The hat's too strong fer me...can't...hold...on"

The Sorting Hat: "You won't take me alive! I'm The Sorting Hat I tell you!! THE SORTING HAT!!!

The Daily Prophet: SORTING HAT HAS GONE RAVING MAD AND IS OUT OF HOGWARTS! VOLDEMORT RETURNS... BUT FOLLOWS ORDERS OF THE HAT?!?!

Draco: Hav u eva been mistaken for a man?

Millicent: No, hav you?

Dumbledore:Harry I'm afraid that this problem is out of my hands.

Harry:Thn wat r we supposed to do sir. Voldemort is out there and he's-

Dumbledore:I kno...I kno."

Harry: Well we cant jus do ntn

Dumbledore: There is one thing we cud do...

Harry: Well wat is it?

Dumbledore:We must contact Gandalf

Ron: If you want 2 kill Harry, ull hav 2 kill us 2.

Hermione: Damn it Ron, I wanted 2 say that!

Ron: Well, maybe one day theyll make the movie 2 this, and u can say it!

Harry: Guys, guess wat?

Hermione: We know!

Ron: Ur back on the Quidditch team!

Harry: No, I jus saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching 2 Geico.

Ron: This new cereal is trying to tell me something. It sez ooooooo.

Harry: Uh, Ron, those are cheerios.

Ron: You're so hot!

Hermione: Thanks, Ron.

Ron: I was talking to Harry.

Dumbledore: Ah, Harry, Voldemort, it is finally down to you two. There is only one way now for you to settle this score...

Harry: With our wands?

Voldemort: With our fists?

Dumbledore: No...

Harry and Voldemort together: Then how?

Dumbledore: Two words...RAP BATTLE!!!!!


	2. Chapter 2

**THINGS HARRY POTTER CHARACTERS WOULD NEVER SAY**

**Dec 31, 2006**

Harry: Ron stole cookies from the cookie jar!

Ron: Who? Me?

Harry: Yes, you.

Ron: Couldn't be.

Harry: Then who?

Ron: Hermione stole cookies from the cookie jar!

Hermione: Who? Me?

Ron: Yes, you.

Hermione: Couldn't be.

Ron: Then who?

Hermione: Seamus stole cookies from the cookie jar!

Seamus: Who? Me?

Hermione: Yes, you.

Seamus: Couldn't be.

Hermione: Then who?

Harry: Snape stole cookies from the cookie jar!

Snape: POTTER! HOW DID YOU FOUND OUT?!

Dumbledore: Students, we have some very shocking news. Voldemort was really Michael Jackson.

Ron: I should've known! Why else would he be after Harry?

Wormtail: Shake yo ass. Watch yourself!

(When the boys in the dormitory eat the candy and have a pillowfight)

Dementor: I think I saw a porno like this once

(After finding out that Sirius was in the castle)

Dumbledore: Okay, students, to the Great Hall for a sleepover.

Filch: I think I saw a porno like this once

Ron: Good god Harry, are you drinking?

Harry: hich NO!! Fillus Vodkadus. taks a shot

Ron: Oh my god Harry, how many shots have you had?

Harry: Umm, I dont know. I lost count after...this many. holds up 7 fingers

Ron: Your killing yourself Harry, you need to stop now.

Harry: Hey, I can stop now if I want... fillus vodkadus. takes a shot

Ron: Do you even know what day it is?

Harry: Sunday?

Ron: Its Wednesday!!

Hermione: Harry, Ron, I have something to say.

Harry: What is it?

Hermione: Im gay.

Harry and Ron: WHAT!?!?

Hermione: Well actualy im Bi.

Harry and Ron: JACKPOT!!!! high fives each other

Hermione: Ginny is gay though, and I have been sleeping with her.

Ron: AHH GOD DAMN IT!!

Harry: Professor, u knew my mother. What was she like?

Lupin: She was beautiful, nice silky blonde hair, baby blue eyes, gorgeous figure,...she had a nice rack too.

Harry: ...Thats great, what about my father?

Lupin: She would do this thing with her eyes that would talk to as to say, "Come, take me now, and give it to me." So, I did. Ohh man, I will never forget that wonderful nigh; our bodys gleaming in sweat

Harry: Professor Lupin?

Lupin: Her moaning softly into my ear.

Harry: Professor LUPIN?

Lupin: The motion of up, down, up, down

Harry: PROFESSOR LUPIN!?

Lupin: Im the one that actualy took her virginity, not your father.

Harry: OHH MY GOD!!! I DIDNT EVEN NEED TO HEAR THAT, IM OUT OF HERE!!

Malfoy: The truth must come out! Im a closet drag queen...

Neville: I KNEW IT!

Ginny: Harry I'm having your baby!

Harry: No you aren't, Hermiones havin my baby!

Hermione: That's impossible I'm having Rons!

Harry: Then who was that girl last nite?

Anyone: Harry Potter?

Harry: Thats my name, dont wear it out.

Hermione: How do u spell FBI?

Voldemort: Do these robes make me look fat?

Voldemort: Im here for the boy

Albus Dumbledor: "Wud you like him gift wrapped?"

Voldemort "...Uh... Sure..."

Albus Dumbledore: "Were offering a special deal today were u can get the sidekicks for an additional 50 cents, wud u b interested?"

Voldemort: "sure sure, just hurry up, I've got a threesome with Lucius and Severus in fifteen Min.

Harry - you're a werewolf?

Lupin - yes.

Harry - are you fcking serious?

Lupin - yes, that too

Harry - What?

Lupin - whoops


	3. Chapter 3

**THINGS HARRY POTTER CHARACTERS WOULD NEVER SAY**

Dec 31, 2006

Harry: I feel like dancing! dances

Voldemort: Let me join! dances with Harry

Voldemort: Harry?

Harry: Yes, Voldy?

Voldemort: Let's forget our differences and become friends?

Harry: Well I guess-

Voldemort: GREAT! stops dancing and a Teen Magazine magically appears in his hands Ok so I was like thinking, we could have like a sleepover, then like do our nails, and like what do you think about changing my hair color?

Harry: Um...I'd say blonde, you'd make a remarkable blonde!

Voldemort: Like why thank you Harry. blushes; both dance again

(This happens when the Dursley's find little baby Harry on their doorstep).

Vernon:opens door at one-o-clock in the morning Who wud be ringing our bell at this bloody time, Petunia?

Petunia:looks down to see sleeping baby Harry Wat in the name of Cousin George's trousers is that?

Vernon:bends down and looks at babySeems 2 b a baby, Petunia and wow...look at that scar...

Petunia: whoa...that must have hurt...

Harry: Professor Snape, why do you hate me soooo much?

Snape: Well...I...uh...

Harry: Is it because of my father?

Snape: No...it was your mother...

Harry: My mother? What did she do?

Snape: sniffs She told me she'd go to the seventh year ball with me and then she ditched me...sniffs

Harry:comforts Snape with a hug There, there, Snape. I'm sure it was all a misunderstanding.

Snape: WHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! blows nose into tissue

(Ron walks in to find Neville lightly touching his lips to poster of the horse who played Seabiscut)

Neville: Uh...I can explain.

Harry: Voldemort's back!

Ron: Oh no!

Hermione: Oh no!

Dumbledore: Oh no!

Kool Aid guy: OH YEAH!

_all turn to stare at Kool Aid guy, who slowly backs out of the room_

Mr. Weasley: ...And thats y Sirius Black has escaped from Azkaban. 2 find u.

Harry: ...And kill me.

Mr. Weasley: Pretty much, yeah. Sucks to be u, man.

Harry: Hermione?

Hermione: Yeah?

Harry: Before...down by the lake when I was with Sirius...

Hermione: WOAH, Harry, I do NOT need to know about that

Remus embraced Sirius like a brother.

Sirius: Remus get your hand off my arse!

Vernon: How's my favorite son doing today?

Harry: Great, dad! Lets go play catch!

Fred to George: Dude, do you HAVE to follow me EVERYWHERE?!"

Ron "You pluck your eyebrows don't you."

Harry "No, they've just receeded since the last film last all, it's perfectly normal..."

Ron "Hermione did it didn't she."

Harry "er...yeah

_after casting a curse, Draco __looks down to find one of his nails has broken_

Draco: Oh that's just fking great.

(Hospital wing in PoA when Ron shows Harry his broom is broken.)

Harry: How do I play quidditch now?

Fred: Here mate.

Fred hands Harry a can

Harry: What's this?

George: Red Bull. It gives you wings

(AFTER THEY GET OUT OF WHOMPING WILLOW)

Sirius: So, Harry. I don't know if you knew this, but I'm your Godfather.

Harry: Yer, I knew.

Sirius: Oh, and when my name gets cleared, I was wondering if you maybe wanted to live with me?

Harry: AND LEAVE MY AUNT AND UNCLE? ARE YOU TOTALLY INSANE!?

Sirius: I just-

Harry: MISS MY BATHS WITH DUDLEY? MY LONG TALKS ABOUT MANHOOD WITH UNCLE VERNON? AND COOKING CAKES WITH AUNT PETUNIA?

Sirius: Oh, Harry, I never knew-

Harry: UR SICK. Totally sick... Bastard...


	4. Chapter 4

**THINGS HARRY POTTER CHARACTERS WOULD NEVER SAY**

Dec 31, 2006

Hagrid: "U c, I love all animals, bugs, magical creatures, etc." sees a cockroach on floor "OMG!!! COCKROACH!!! SQUISH IT! SQUISH IT!! JUST DONT LET IT COME NEAR ME, PLEEAAASSE!!!"

Harry: "But I thought u said you loved all animals, bugs, magical creatures, etc.?"

Hagrid: "But cockroaches arent any of those! They are just pure evil! Thats all! EEEEKKKK!!! IT CAME NEAR ME!!!"

Hermione comes out all dressed up because shes going on a date

Harry: So, whos the lucky guy?

Hermione: Im not telling.

Harry: Why not?

Hermione: Because, Harry, you'd kill hm. Remember what happen with Neville?

flashback

knock at the door Harry: WHO THE beep IS IT!?!!?

Neville: Its Neville. Harry opens the door

Harry: What do you want?

Neville: I hav come 2 get Hermione.Harry gets a look of anger on his face

Harry: Ron...

Ron: Yeah?

Harry: Get the shotgun.

Ron: You got it.

Ron hands harry the shotgun and Harry blows a hole in Neville's stomach

Neville: Y is it always me? Neville falls to the ground

flashback ends

Harry: Ohh, blah, he lived didnt he?

Hermione: Thats not the point, its the simple fact that ur way overprotective of me. knock on the door

Harry: Fine, Ill give this one a chance.

Hermione: Thats all I ask.

Harry opens the door and sees Draco standing there with a flower in his hand

Harry: Ron...get the bazooka.

Hermione: Harry, will you go out with me?

Harry: No thanks...

Hermione: But why not?

Harry: Well... Your hair is puffy and natty, your front teeth are huge, and you kinda smell bad...

Hermione: Oh beep you Harry

(This is the scene in the first HP movie where herm, ron and harry run up to mcgonagalls desk, because they need to speak with dumbledore)

Harry, Ron and Hermione all run up to Prof.McGonagall's desk

Harry: Proffessor we- notices that Dumbledore and McGonagall are both making out on the desk

Ron: My eyes! My beautiful, beautiful eyes!

Hermione: Look away...Look away...

McGonagall suddenly relises they're standing right in front of the desk. Albus runs off and hides in the closet

Minerva: And what exactly do you kids want?

Harry: We need to speak to Dumbledore!

Minerva: Well, he left...to go see...the Ministry about...something...

Hermione: But we just saw him!

Minerva: No you didn't! You are just seeing things that clearly rnt there...

Snape: Now children listen up! Who wants to join me in my quarters? Anyone?

(Everyone is quiet) Snape: I've got candy!

Harry: My names Harry Potter and I'm addicted to dope.

Everyone at meeting: Hello Harry!

Voldemort: DOPE!?! Dope isn't a gateway drug! I'm addicted to crack, have you ever had to suck dck for dope? Well boy?

Harry: Erm..no sorry..i haven't had the pleasure..

Voldemort: It's never to late, wanna give it a go?

Voldermort: Potter, you and your mudblood friend must choose which of your friends shall die, and who shall live...Weasley...or Krum...

(Harry and Hermione whisper for two seconds)

Hermione: Viktor...

Harry: Yeah, I'd have to say Krum too...

Ron: What? But Harry...

Harry: Ron, if you die, thn we cud get anotha book out of this series...emotional trauma and all that...newayz, 'the dumb sidekick' stopped being funny years ago...

Ron: Hermione!

Hermione: Nothing personal Ron...but think about it, ginger kids with frizzy hair? Ewwh! Some how, I don't think so...besides, Viktor makes the story more exotic...and there are already too many Weasleys...

Voldermort: Very well...although i must say, it was supposed to be a more difficult choice!

Ron: Mum?

Molly: Do as Harry says dear...it's his story

Ron: What?

Voldermort: Avada Kedavra!


	5. Chapter 5

Harry: I wish I cud b the smartest, coolest, and most good-looking guy at Hogwarts!

Dumbledore and McGonagall: You got it!

They wave their wands and Snape comes down the hallway.

Snape: Ahhhh! Fairies!

* * *

harry: but i heard someone scream! a woman!

ron: srry bout that..

* * *

Hermione:Oh my GOD, Ginny! Mr. Crouch is like, such a babe! That moustache...

Percy: "I know what you mean!"

* * *

Voldemort: feeling head "Wat the hell?! Wormtail, u IDIOT, u tld me I wudve had HAIR!!"

* * *

Lucius: afta bein threatened up close by Voldemort in the graveyard "Jesus, my Lord, eva heard of breath mints?

* * *

Harry: "That Snape is sex on legs!"

* * *

Hermione: raising a trembling hand Professor Snape, I think I jus got my first visit from my red friend. Do u hav ne I can use?"

Snape: opens desk Of course, Miss Granger. I always keep a few on hand.

* * *

Voldemort: Welcome to the first meeting of the "We hate Harry Potter" club. First order of buisness, role call. Lucius and Draco Malfoy?

Lucius and Draco: Here.

Voldemort: Severus Snape?

Snape: Here.

Voldemort: The Death Eaters?

The Death Eaters: Here.

Voldemort: Cho Chang?!!?

Cho: Here.

Voldemort: Why?

Cho: Hes like a total stalker and wont leave me alone.

Voldemort: Fair enough. Rubeus Hagrid?!?!

Hagrid: Here.

Voldemort: Whats your beef with Harry?

Hagrid: Ntn, Im jus here 4 the coffee and doughnuts.

Voldemort: Get hm out of here!! Albus Dumbledore, ok, What the f!k is going on?!!? Why are you here!?!?

Dumbledore: The little bastards alwayz snooping aroun the castle, causin some monster to rise from the dungons and whatnot.

Voldemort: U do kno were sworn enemies right?

Dumbledore: Yeah.

Voldemort: Ok, jus as long as u kno. Ron Weasley!?!

Ron: How wud u like it if u were 4eva known as "Harry's sidekick"?

Voldemort: Good point. Hermione Granger??

Hermione: Ive sent hm signs left and right bout how interested I am in hm and yet he decides 2 hook up wid that bitch Cho Chang...no offence Cho.

Cho: None taken.

Voldemort: Alright. Last up...HARRY POTTER!!!

Harry: Here.

Voldemort: This is the "We hate Harry Potter" club, why are you here?

Harry: I hate myself.

* * *

(Snape kills Dumbledore..)..

Harry: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Harry holds Dumbledore in his arms and Dumbledore starts giggling...

Harry looks up and everyone is smiling around him...

Dumbledore: Harry Potter! You just got Punk'd.

Harry scowls: You guys are asses!

Harry scowls: O my beeping god, u guys all r beeping aholes, I am goin 2 mother beeping goin 2 beeping kill all you guys!

camra goes 2 Harry and he says: I wud say I got Punk'd but I relli got beeped


	6. Chapter 6

Draco: beep YOU, POTTER!

Harry: beep YOU, MALFOY!

Draco: Fine...when?

Harry: MY ROOM, EIGHT O'CLOCK!

* * *

voldemort: harry potter, we meet again, my forces have killed your parents, godparent, dumbledore, and now i will finally kill u.

harry takes out a shotgun

voldemort: OH SNAP

harry: voldemort, GO BURN INfires shotgun

* * *

Voldemort: Harry! The end is tonight! The world will end!!

Harry: NOOOOO! (runs bhind Voldemort and takes a box from a rabbit) Silly rabbit, trix r 4 kids! (to Voldemort) sorry, u were saying?

* * *

Harry: We did it! We beat Voldemort! yay!

Ron: Yes! the magical world is free from evilness again!

Harry: So... hmm... what do we do now?

Ron: What do you mean?

Harry: Well... it's over isn't it?...

Ron: Yeah... huh... and we just finished school...

Harry: We're seventeen and already jobless!

Ron: U blew it Potter! wats gonna happen now? im already havin a baby wid hermione... and i'm poor, you know, poor!

Harry: Shudve gone 2 law school like Aunt Petunia tld me.. and now my scar is gone? ive gone from cool 2 plain old nerdy...

Ron: You moron...

* * *

Harry: No Cedric, don't do tha...

Voldemort: Avada Kedavra!!!

Harry: Geez, thanks dude, now i can go after the chinese girl, smooth move

Voldemort: No problem, it's been a pleasure

* * *

Snape: Nehow, how hav u managed to keep the truth from Lucius?

Narcissa: Ive been decoloring Dracos hair since he was 2 weeks old

Snape: Evn the pubic?

Narcissa: SPECIALLY the pubic, i mean, thats how u kno... and that ridiculous platinum blonde is particularly hard 2 mantain, evn more wen he inherited ur black greasy hair... oh, btw, he got an early nose job as well

(LATER)

Snape: So, Cissa, now that were alone, tll me evrything, all the things u didnt tll me all these years wid Lucius...

Narcissa: Y Snape, Y? Not now! Lucius is in azkaban, Dracos out... Now its time 2 thank u, 4 all the things u did 4 me, 4 us! Come here and Ill show u the pleasure of being "thanked" by narcissa

Snape: I kno how u r wen u "thank"

Narcissa: I kno u kno! we "thanked" a lot in past

Snape: LOL.U kno I luv Draco as my son. Ill do evrything 4 him...

Nacissa: And u kno y?

Snape: Yes, dont 4get ive some skiils in legilimency

Narcissa: So u kno that hes ur son?

Snape: Of course, but this is not the point. The point is, lets give Draco a sibling

* * *

Neville: What?! i cudve been the boy in the prophecy?

Dumbledore: Yep...

Neville: So y is it Harrys the one that gets all the atention?

Dumbledore: Cuz u were born a hermaphrodite, cudnt tll how u were gonna turn up...

* * *

Harry: its no good! im jus not strong enough! i will neva beat voldermort!

Ron: dont worry mate, well go back 2 school, well learn more spells, we will win!

Harry: no it wont matta.

Hermione: oh 4 god's sake!

hermione pulls out a gun, walks over to the laughing Voldermort and shoots him in the head

Ron: woah Hermione! That was bloody brilliant!

* * *

Hermione:(In an emergency situation) Oh no! Ive 4gotten the number for 911!

* * *

Moaning Myrtle (seductivly): U kno Harry...theres a reason they call me...Moaning...moaning Myrtle...(giggles)

* * *

(harry walks in on Ron and Hermione pashing(making out) and are starting to get undressed... )

Harrytrying to look away:OMG wtf is goin on

Hermione:well im teaching him muggle beeping, cuz u knew it 2 well

Ron:now i kno y my dad likes muggle stuff!!!


	7. Chapter 7

Voldemort: Now its time 4 u 2 die.

Harry: No it isnt.

Voldemort: Wat?

Harry: Well this isnt the final book, so I still got a few more years 2 go.

Voldemort: Oh yeah, see u next year.

Harry: Bye!

Voldemort: You could lose some weight in the meantime!

Harry: Thanks for the tip!

* * *

Hermoine handing Mrs. Weasley muggle reading material: "I thought u cud use these, Mrs. Weasley."

Mrs. Weasley:"Oh, thank u, dear! 'Planned Parenthood'? Wat in blazes is that?!"

Hermione: "Yeah, no kidding, u human sperm bank!

* * *

Harry: Voldemort, _I_ am _your_ father.

Voldemort: Noooo...wait. That doesnt make sense.

Harry: Erm...I'm your uncle? Distant cousin?

Voldemort: OK, you _could_ be my second cousin. Are you really?

Harry: Naw.

Voldemort: Ooook...

Harry: Confused, relative of mine?

Voldemort: Kinda.

Harry: Good. It was my goal to confuse you so I could do THIS:

throws a bucket of water on Voldemort

Voldemort: begins to melt NOOO! I THOUGHT THIS ONLY HAPPENED IN MOVIES!!!

Harry: Nope, this is REAL, BITCH! I mean, it _will_ be a movie someday, probably a rather sucky 1 if Steve Kloves has nething to do with it, BUT STILL!

* * *

(Some of the teachers are playing Clue)

Moody: OK Ill go first; I suspect Prof. Plum in the conservatory wid the candlestick - Yay, I win!

McGonagall: Hey! Hand over the eye Alastor.

Moody: Awww crap. (hands it over)

Flitwick: OK from the beginning then..

Moody: Right, Snape, do you have Mrs White?

Snape: No...

Moody: Hey ur lying, i can see it! Right there between dagger and Miss Scarlet!

Snape: Wha- Hey, how are you doing that? 


	8. Chapter 8

Dumbledore: coughs up a hair ball

Professor McGonagall: turns bac human and walks out of Dumbledore's office

* * *

Olympe, to Hagrid, "Is it true how zey say zat you people are... gifted?"

Lights go out, sound of zipper opening Oh. It's twue. It's twue

* * *

(Harry is depressed about the upcoming first triwizard test,

Hermione: U havnt evn touched ur food. Harry explodes and slaps on his food

Harry: "There! Now I've touched it! Happy!?"

* * *

(The DA are practicing levitation spells. )

Harry, to Luna: Well, dear, r u ready?

Luna: Yes, Harry.

Harry: Elevate me

Luna: Now? Right here?

Harry: Yes, yes, raise your wand."

Luna: Oh. the spell! Oh, that, yeh, yeh... yes.

* * *

(At the Annual Hogwarts Spring Talent Showcase:)

Neville: Im2 sexy 4 my shirt, so sexy it hurts...

Hermione: and now I will do an interpretive dance called, 'Ode to the spring'"

Crabbe and Goyle: Were going 2 demonstrate Greco-Roman wrestling but first we must apply oil 2 each other..."

Ginny pulls out a trumpet: I learned this at band camp"

Harry "Pick a card, any card"

Ron, Fred, George and Percy, all wearing gold lame' jackets:Duke,Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl, Earl Earl..."

Seamus and Dean, sitting on a stool with guitars: "More than words, is all that I can use 2 make you feel..."

Lavender, "I shall perform a scene from Gone with the Wind

Ernie MacMillan and Hanna Abbott: dont go breakin' my heart...I won't go breaking your heart"

Parvati and Padma:We shall perform tandem pole dances"

Draco:Gonna have you naked by the end of this song," (rips off Pansy's robe)

And lastly, Professor Sprout and Madam Hooch will perform a song by the Indigo Girls...

* * *

Hermione: Ron and Harry. What color is the cami today?

Harry: White?

Hermione: No. Ron?

Ron: Pink.

Hermione: Right!!

Harry: How do you know?

Ron: I saw her putting it on.

* * *

HARRY: Do you have any idea who the hell I am?

ANYBODY: Aren't you that Frodo dude from Lord of the Rings?


	9. Chapter 9

Harry: Voldermort's back! Should i go fight him!

Dumby: No... i have a better idea!(picks up phone) we shall call the cops!

* * *

Harry (to Voldie): WHY WONT U DIE?!

* * *

Harry: Voldermort's dead! Finally, i can have a normal school year!

Ginny: I'm pregnant

Harry: Dammit!

* * *

Hermione comes out all dressed up because shes going on a date

Harry: So, whos the lucky guy?

Hermione: Im not telling.

Harry: Why not?

Hermione: Because, Harry, you'd kill him

Harry: Pffft, no I wouldnt.

Hermione: Ohh, yes you would!

Harry: Aw, just let me meet him!

(Hermione lets her date in)

Voldemort: Hi!

* * *

Harry: I can't hear you, Sirius, you're breaking up.

Sirius: Oh. (Shifts in the fire) Can you hear me now?

* * *

Teacher:Looks around corner O.k I don't see him I think it is safe.

Harry: Hey Dude watcha doin?

Teacher: Ahhh...nooo...Its you...aaahhh...Your the one they say who keeps gettin rid of the DADA teachers!

Harry: I never do anything!

Teacher turns and runs screaming only to slip on a bottle and slide his way out of an open window

Harry: Umm...

Ron: Dude you have just got to stay away from them.

* * *

(During the 2nd Trial of the Tri-Wizard Tournament Harry runs into a blue fish)...

Harry: Im looking for my friend, he's a redhead...

Dory: a red-head, hey I've seen a red-head, he passed by not too long ago

Harry: You have??

Dory: Hi, I'm Dory

Harry: Great! Which way did he go?

Dory: Uh, this way! He went this way! Follow Me!

Harry follows. Dory begins to swim erratically and tries to avoid Harry until she finally confronts him.

Dory: Would u quit it? What?? the lake isnt big enough for you? You got a problem, buddy? Huh? Do ya, do ya, do ya? You wanna piece of me? Yeah, yeah! Ooh, Im scared now! What?

Harry: What, you said you saw my friend, the red-head.

Dory: A red-head, hey I've seen a red-head, he passed by not too long ago.

* * *

McGonagall: Snape, I need to make a serious proposition.

Snape: Eh?

McGonagall: Well, I've noticed your Slytherin Keeper has been outstanding, and I'd like to trade our Keeper for yours.

Snape: What? Oliver Wood?

McGonagall: Yes.

Snape: McGonagal, you're giving me Wood?

McGonagall: HA!

Snape: Wha - OHHHHH

McGonagall: You fell right into that one!

Snape: I suppose I did.

* * *

harry: hey ron...

ron: yeah?

harry: you know, I've been thinking...

ron: about?

harry: do you ever wonder if were being filmed at this very moment? like, everything we do is somehow being watched by millions of people?

ron: no. but that would be scary if it were true.

alfonso: THEY KNOW!!!!!!!!! Rita, get the needles!!!!!!! 


	10. Chapter 10

(After Dumbledore tells Harry bout the prophecy, Harry walks in the halls and sees Crabbe and Goyle kissing)

Harry: Its just not my day.

* * *

Dumbledore: Harry, you tried and you failed. The lesson is, never try

* * *

Ron: Hermione, there's something I want to ask you. 

Hermione: OK

Ron: I've been wanting to ask you this for a while...

Hermione: Yes?

Ron: It's very important.

Hermione: Yes??

Ron: And I hope you say yes...

Hermione: What is it?????

Ron: Do you have any gum?

* * *

Snape: The Headmaster has sent me 2 tell u, Potter that its his wish 4 u 2 study Rectumency 

Harry: Study what??

Snape: Rectumency, Potter the magical defence of the Rectum against external penetration

* * *

Molly (to Ron):Will you just get over there and shag her already!? Im sick and tired of your moodiness and I need my bathroom back!

* * *

Snape: Dumbledore, I am your father. 

Dumbledore: Pffft, no your not. Im at least 30 years older then you.

Snape: Ok, maybe not, but Im your step-dad. I married your mother 3 days before she died. I inherited 50 million dollars that day.

Dumbledore: That was MINE!!!

Snape: Ha, also I beep her in the arse. I tell u, at 93 she still had a sweet arse!!

Dumbledore punches Snape. Snape stumbling around:

Snape: Thats it!! Go chop some fire wood and then go to your room!!!

Snape falls down and passes out. Harry is peering through the door, then turns around to Hermione.

Harry: Wow, it actually worked.

Hermione: True, but the only thing I forced him to say was the first thing.

Harry and Hermione:... AWWW!!!!

They both vomit. Ron comes running up the stairs.

Ron: Hey guys you'll never believe...

Ron slips on the vomit and breaks his neck.

Ron: OHH MY GOD, I CANT FEEL MY LEGS!!!

Ron starts rolling down the stairs and stops in front of Draco.

Ron: Malfoy, help me!! I cant feel my legs!!!

Draco: Really??

Ron: YEAH!!!

Draco: Awesome!!

Draco takes out a chainsaw and cuts Rons legs off.

Draco: These will go great with my collection of human legs.

Kids come walking by and slip on Ron's blood

Ron: SUMBODY HELP ME!! WHY ISNT ANYONE PAYING ATTENTION TO ME!!!

Random kid: Because youre an attention whore.

Ron: Ohh for beep sakes!! 


	11. Chapter 11

AUNT MARGE COMES TO VISIT

AUNT MARGE: Carry my luggage boy!

HARRY:...

AUNT MARGE: Clean my plate boy!

HARRY:...

AUNT MARGE: Come back and listen to my insults boy!

HARRY:...

AUNT MARGE: Your mother was a b!tch!

AUNT MARGE'S GLASS: explodes

Mr. Dursley: Oh, SH!T.

* * *

Hermione: Have you guys ever noticed there are no showers at Hogwarts?

Harry and Ron:...

* * *

Lily Potter's ghost: Harry, you were an accident... then you became a mistake. Look at what happened to us all because of me giving birth to you!!! We DIED!!

* * *

Hermione- PSSS OFFF NEVILLE AND COPY SOMEONE ELSE'S WORK!! I'M SICK OF HELPING YOU!! JUST GET A BRAIN ALREADY!!

* * *

Winky - Dobby. I want to marry you launches self onto Dobby TAKE ME!! TAKE ME NOW YOU DAMN SEXY LITTLE ELF!!

* * *

Draco: Thats it. im coming out to Harry Potter to tell him that my dad beats up on me and makes me behave the way i do. im a victim trying to be like my father because he wants me to, not cos i enjoy being a sick little basket case. im what he made me. Im not really a bad boy, im just a wannabe bad boy wizard and a mammas boy deep at heart to boot. That, and.. i wanna say something to him in private I've been meaning to say for a while now, just the 2 of us, that i wanna f...

Ron: i want to tell Harry the truth...that i like him in a cough more than friendly way. (goes up to door) i dont know what ill say but i hope he sees things openly, that we can be more than friends and... (opens door) be very very...'DRACO' what r u doing here ...Oh?

Draco: Hah!! You snooze you lose Weasley

* * *

Ron: Well what happens if You-Know-Who returns?

Harry: Come off it Ron, it's about time you say his name...

Ron: FINE! Michael Jackson Neville shudders

* * *

Hermione: God i need to get laid

Ron: Well step into my office

* * *

Hedwig: Deliver your own goddamn messages from now on! I quit!

* * *

HARRY: This is it, Voldemort. You're dead! Avada---

voldemort: harry, wait!

(Voldemort rips off his mask revealing Ashton Kutcher.)

ashton: Harry, you have just been Punk'd!

(All of the characters come out laughing)

HARRY: But---

SNAPE: Harry, it was all an act! I really don't hate you!

dumbledore, sirius, cedric, lily, and james: And were not really dead!

HARRY: So the wizarding world---

DUMBLEDORE: Oh its all real, Harry, except for the evil man trying to kill you, and a teacher hating you and all of us being dead. All of the ghosts you see, theyre not real. Theyre just CGI. And the House Elves, theyre CGI too. The same with the basilisk.

HARRY: But what about the diary?

DUMBLEDORE: Magic. The magic is real, Harry, just not the people trying to kill you or us being dead. Your parents are alive and well, and your aunt, uncle, and cousin were all in on it!

(Harry passes out on the floor)

* * *

(Lucius Malfoy in the Department of mysteries) Give me the prophecy potter and if you dont, youre getting a big wedgie! I know how to do good wedgies because I WAS THE WEDGIE KING BACK IN THE DAYS!! 


	12. Replacement Harry

**Harry**: Alright everyone settle down! Today your all here to audition to replace me as the boy-who-lived since I am just quite tired of all this $hyte and no longer wish to protect all of you sad, low-life mongrels, who are all pathetically horrendous excuses of Wizards...I'm going to the Bahamas!!! HEM Anywho...along with being my replacement, will come all of my responsibilities...like all of the unnecessary over-dramatic teenage angst and oh yes...having to risk your life to kill Voldemort...any questions? Okay good lets get started!

**Ron**: Hey Harry! Okay...can I start? Should I start reading my lines???

**Harry:**: Ummm Ron...I can't believe my people didnt tell you...youre automatically disqualified from being my replacement...sorry mate...

**Ron**: WHAAAAAT!?!! THAT ISN'T FAIR!!! WHY!?!!

**Harry:**: Its quite simple Ron...your pretty much forever overshadowed by me as my 'comedic relief,' kind of dorky side-kick...sorry mate... NEXT!

**Ron**: THAT MEANS HERMIONE IS DISQUALIFIED ALSO RIGHT?

**Harry**: Oh yes...of course...but only because she is a girl...NEXT!

**Seamus**: Hey okay...can I start...begins reading lines Oh, for I am Seamus Finnegan...the boy-who-lived...I shall defeat Voldemort once and for all...FEEL MY EVIL AND PREPARE TO SUFFER AT THE HANDS OF MY WRA-

**Harry:**: Yeah Seamus...did u not read ANY of the requirements...Points to huge sign above head NO CHAVS!!! NEXT!

**Seamus**: ARGHH YOU DOWNSIZING, DISCRIMINATIVE PHEAD!!!

**Neville**: Okay...I think that I should be the boy who lived...because...

**Harry**: No Neville...okay...listen...you already HAD the chance to be the boy-who-lived once...but you didnt get chosen...I did...so youre disqualified...NEXT!

**Neville**: But Harry...Ive learnt all of the necessary skills...and I have the motivation!!! I can do it Harry!

**Harry**: Right Neville, Listen...dont take this personally...Im sure you could take Voldemort down single-handedly CoughlaughsnortCough But errm...truth is that youre a little sissy, granmummys boy who likes HERBOLOGY for cripes sake!!! I mean C'MON!!! Voldemort vs. THE BOY-WITH-THE-GREEN-THUMB!?!! I THINK NOT! NEXT!!!

**Neville**: Cries IM A FAILURE!!! AHHHHHHHH

**Colin Creevey**: Right...I'm Colin Creevey...

**Harry**: WONDERFUL! SPLENDID! You got the job kid! Throws Colin his wand and invisibility cloak, etc... GOOD LUCK! AND MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU!!!

**Colin Creevey**: THANKS!!! CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH!!!? Should I ask Voldemort for his autograph before or after he kills me...errr...well I mean before I kill him!!! Oh let me take your picture Harry to remember you by!!!


	13. Chapter 13

Hermione: Ron, can I copy your homework?

Ron: Why?

Hermione: I was busy last night

Ron: Doing what?

Hermione: I can't tell you...you'll be mad

Ron: Tell me, or I swear I'll use my wand on you

Hermione: I was with Harry

Ron: Doing what?

Hermione: Well...I have a confession to make

Ron: And whats that?

Hermione: I'm having Harry's baby

* * *

Voldemort: And now, Harry Potter, you meet your doom!!! MUWAHA!

Harry: Oh my God, that was so lame. Where did you get a line like that?

Voldemort: I thought it sounded cool

Harry: No, it sounds completely stupid

Voldemort: Alright then...I SHALL CRUSH YOU steps on Harry and crushes him

* * *

Hermione is dancing around the room with her headphones on

Hermione (singing): My humps, my humps, my humps, my humps

Harry and Ron walk into the room

Harry and Ron: What the heck are you doing?

Hermione: Uh... how about we do some studying...yes, we need to study

* * *

Ron walks into the room to find Harry and Hermione kissing

Ron: Hey, get your nasty paws off her!!!

Hermione: Ron, I can explain

Ron: Oh, really?

Hermione: I don't love you Ron, I don't go for redheads

Harry: That's right, she doesn't go for redheads...she's in love with me

Hermione: No...I'm in love with...Ginny

Ron: But you don't go for redheads

Hermione: I meant redheaded guys, duh! 


	14. Chapter 14

Harry: Draco, I have a confession to make

Draco: Why the heck are you telling me Potter??

Harry: I'm in love with you

Draco: Oh that's just sick man...sick

Harry: But don't you love me

Draco: Uh...no

Harry: THEN YOU MUST DIE strangles Draco

Hermione: Oh my God, Harry what happened?

Harry: I didn't do it!!!

Hermione: The hell you didn't

Harry: YOU MUST DIE strangles Hermione

Ron: Bloody hell Harry, what are you doing?

Harry: I'm innocent!!!

Ron: I saw you with my own two eyes

Harry: YOU MUST DIE strangles Ron

Dumbledore: Harry, what have you done??

Harry: Alright, I confess, I'm gay, AND I have a killing problem

* * *

Hermione walks into Common room and stands in front of Harry and Ron

Hermione: Well, Fred and George have let me down so I guess its up to you 2. I like it freaky so one of you go get Buckbeak and then we'll get going.

* * *

Snape: Listen Harry, Im gonna be straight with with you. I hate you so damn much! Every night I plan how Im going to kill you. I sneak in and... I.. (bursts out laughing) HA! Who am I kidding... Id never kill anyone!... except maybe Neville..cough yes... watch out Neville...

* * *

Harry: Say Ron.. where'd Hermione get that groovy ring??

Ron: Pff.. Off her boyfriend...

Harry: Oh yeah? What's he like?

Ron: A real weirdo, really short, called Fodo or something. Personally I thought he was gay with his mate Sam. 


	15. Chapter 15

Harry: DIE SAURON!! (awkward silence)

Voldemort: Ermm.. its Voldemort...

Harry: Ah...

* * *

Molly Weasley: Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Harry: Oh wow, the turkey looks great!

Sirius: Hey... wait a minute.. where's Buckbeak?

* * *

Ron to Hermione: I love you..

Hermione: Ooo.. about that... Erm.. I love Snape

Snape (who was passing): Ooo dear Granger, whats that? Five points from Gyffindor for being in love with a professor. (whispering) Besides.. I love Professor Sprout.

Ron thinking: Snape must die

Herm: thinking Sprout must die

* * *

Harry: Dumbledore kept telling me that i have a weapon that the dark lord doesnt

Ron:...so what? You lose your virginity and he dies?

(Harry looks happy about this idea)

Herm: Dont be an idiot ron, he already did that with moaning myrtle, right harry?

Harry: what!? how!? i did not! ...she wouldnt let me get past second base... something bout not being cool enough.

Ron: hah sucker! i was cool enough!

Hermione: You creep! I can't believe you ron!

Ron: Oh cmon, we all know that you got friendly with grawp!

Snape approaches: what are you talking about?

Harry: How my mom didnt love you

(snape pretends to trip and a green light erupts from his wand and hits harry in the chest)

Hermione: OMG! you killed harry potter!

Ron: Bloody hell...well least that gets rid of the triangle...

Dumbledores ghost: I trained him for 17 years to kill voldemort, because im a big wuss! Now im gonna have to sucker some other kid into my prophecy scandal!

Snape: well sorry! mr. i-suck-so-bad-i-was-killed-bcuz-i-wasnt-smart-enough-to-make-the-kid-drink-the-potion!

Dumbledore: ...damn i got nothin 


	16. Chapter 16

Malfoy: (Knocks comes through gryffindor portrait hole) Im here for the gang bang (bends over and peaks head round corner and sees everyone staring and backs out slowly)

Harry: You sick bastard...

Hermoine: wait dont leave, come on up to my room. Lavender and Parvati and Ginny are waiting...

(hermione turns and heads up the stairs, malfoy follows)

Ron: bloody hell, hermiones a whore!

Harry: so is ginny!

Ron: quick lets go get some while we can (jumps up and runs up the stairs behind malfoy)

Harry: Right behind ya!

Neville: Can I come?

Everyone: NO!

Neville: Everyone hates me!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

* * *

Harry: (slipping his arm round McGonagall) Say baby, ever thought about young dudes?

* * *

(Ron to Ginny): If we close our eyes its not incest is it?

* * *

Hermione: Neville...I'm late.

Neville: For what?

Hermione: No Neville, I'm LATE.

Neville: Oh...OH!

Hermione: You used a condom didn't you?!

Neville pulls out his remembrall and it's bright red Ooops

* * *

Dumbledore takes Harry up to the roof of Hogwarts

Dumbledore: You smoke crack don't ya? YOU SMOKE CRACK DON'T YA?!

Harry looks down

Dumbledore: LOOK AT ME BOY! YOU SMOKE CRACK DON'T YA?!

Harry: crying YES SIR!!!

* * *

Malfoy looks to Ron

Malfoy: Weasley...I'm pregnant.

zoom in on Ron with cheesy over dramatic music!

* * *

Harry: You're my Godfather Sirius?

Sirius: Godfather, real father, the paternity tests never gave a definite answer.

Harry: WHAT?!

Ron: Dad loves muggles, he thinks theyre fascinating. He looks at them in the showers using spycams.

* * *

Professor Snape: Weasleys wand causes devastation with the simplest spells. Well be sending Potter to the hospital wing in a matchbox… On second thought, forget what I said, let them fight!

* * *

Prof Snape: If I might, Headmaster. Perhaps Potter and his friends were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. However, the circumstances are suspicious. I, for one, dont recall seeing Potter at dinner.

Lockhart: That was my doing, Severus. You see, Harry was helping me answer my fan mail. You know I have some trouble spelling "Gilderoy" from time to time?

Snape: I never would have guessed

* * *

Crabbe and Goyle eat the floating Sleeping Draught cupcakes

Ron: How thick can you get?

Harry: I wouldnt say anything if I were you

* * *

Ron: So Harry...got any idea what the title of the 7th books gonna be?

Harry: Im hoping its Harry Potter and the Sticky March issue of 'Hustler'...

Hermione: You are such a perv!!

Harry: What are you hoping is the title?

Hermione: Harry Potter and the Painful Rectal Itch

Ron: Shame on you Hermione, Harry can't help it...


	17. Chapter 17

(Harry, Ron, and Hermione wake up on Christmas morning. A package is marked for Harry and he finds a doll)

Doll: Me want Mama!

Harry; Ive always wanted one of these! (Hugs doll)

Hermione: No, I want it! (Grabs it)

Ron: Mine! (Grabs it)

(They fight over it until it rips to reveal the final Horcrux) All: Hoorah!

Harry: (pulls out wand) Emmulus!

Horcrux is in pieces)

MEANWHILE Wormtail: Master! Master! NOOOOOO!

Palpatine: I live! I live! IIIIIII LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!

Wormtail: Master Palpatine, what must I do?

Palpatine: Marry Carrie Underwood to bring Bo Bice to the Dark Side and he can rock the galaxy!

Harry: (senses whats happening) Nobody marries Carrie Underwood but me! Bo, take Palpy down!

LATER Bo Bice: (sticks out guitar, sings) Avada Kedavra! (strums)

sirius: well harry i'd hate to tell you this...but i was originally your godMOTHER

* * *

harry is facing Voldemort

harry(straining): well Voldemort to ensure you ultimate demise i have superglued my buttcheeks together!!! so although i will be constipated for the rest of my life you will never gain the sexual satisfaction you seek!

Voldemort: (points wand at harry's posterior) seperato!

harry: oo...

* * *

harry: first my parents get killed, then sirius, then dumbledore... life is so gay sometimes...

ron scratches posterior painfully: ain't that the truth...

* * *

Draco: Harry, I...I think I'm in Love with you..

Harry: I KNEW IT!!! I KNEW IT!! UR GAY!! Hermione u owe me 10 bucks! No one can be straight with THAT haircut!!

* * *

(from harry potter GoF movie)

Voldie:... No Matter!! i can touch him N-

Harry: CANT TOUCH THIS tenenene-tene-tene- cant touch this, STOP-HARRY TIME! harrytakesoffdancin

Voldie: WTF? avada kedavra!- u lil btch.. no mc harry tonight!

* * *

Harry (at the tents):I love magic!

Ron:.. Yea okay u are such a nerd WHY am i friends with you again??

Harry: ..

* * *

Hermione from another room: Oh yes, oh yes, jus like that, rite there, beep YES!

Harry walks in: Hermione, what the hell is going on?

Hermione: Ohh Harry, I was just dreaming.

Harry: Right, about what?

Hermione: Umm, nothing.

Ginny appears out from under the covers.

Ginny: Was it what you expected?

Hermione: Mmmmm, even better.

Ginny and Hermione start making out.

Harry: Man, Ron is going to be pissed when he finds out.

Ron comes out from the shadows.

Ron: That was so beep hot.

Harry: Or not.

* * *

Viktor: Herm-mio-ninny?

Hermione: Yes Viktor?

Viktor: Ve've been going out for some time now...

Hermione: (exited) Yes?

Viktor: I vas vondering if you could introduce me to that Redhead boy who follows u round? Hes cute...

Hermione: ...

* * *

(Between classes)

Malfoy: Hi Harry!

Harry: Hi Draco!

Malfoy: Don't forget! This weekend, pajama party in my mansion!

Harry: I will never forget it!

Malfoy: You know the way or you want that my dad pick you up from the Dursley?

Harry: Oh, don't worry pal, I know the way!

Malfoy: Well, see ya! And dont forget to bring Hermione with you! Shes such a hot girl...

Harry: Ok! Bye!


	18. Chapter 18

Dumbledore: Harry! Harry! I have good news!

Harry: What?

Dumbledore: Voldemort is dead!

Harry: WHAT? Who killed him?

Dumbledore: Neville!

Harry: Neville? You mean, our Neville? Neville Longbotton?

Dumbledore: Yes! That one! He did what none of us could do!

Harry: Oh...My reputation is ruined!

* * *

Voldemort: You must be Harry!

Harry: confused Um, yes.

Voldemort: Do come in, young Harry.

Harry: Er, 'kay. Harry goes inside of Voldy's house

Voldemort: I got that letter you wrote me.

Harry: What letter?

Voldemort: The one where you declare your love for me. pulls out letter from pocket "Your eyes are like quicksand, pulling me in angrily. Your power turns me on like no other and I hope 1 day we can rule the world together"

Harry: Er...I didn't write that.

Voldemort: What? But it says right here, "Love always, Har-" Oh. You're right.

Harry nods

Voldemort: In that case... Voldemort kills Harry

* * *

Ron - Hey Hermione.

Hermione - What Ron?

Ron - What state in the U.S. is know nfor its potatoes?

Hermione - Idaho?

Ron - Idapimp btch gimme my money.

Hermione - Oh Ron that was a good one.

Ron - No. I'm serious. Gimme the dmn money.

* * *

Ron - Hey Harry.

Harry - What Ron?

Ron - These 2 gay guys are playing a game and 1 has to be blindfolded and the other has to shove something up his as then tell him what it is. So the guy gets blindfolded and the other goes into the kitchen and grabs a pickle. He shoves it up the guy's as. The other one replies "It's a cylinder and it's bumpy... It's a pickle." The other guy goes back into the kitchen and grabs a banana. He comes back out and shoves it up the other guy's as. He replies, "It's got waxy skin but it's shaped weird... It's a banana." The other guy is really frustrated now. He goes into the bathroom and grabs something and shoves it up the guy's as. "It's something that unclogs the toilet." What is it?"

Harry - thinks for a minute a plunger.

Ron - Have you been playing this game before?

Harry - shifty eyes No!

* * *

Ron: Harry, what are you doing with my sister??

Harry: Oh im soo sorry ron but...

Ginny: Last night we had just a little too much butter beer and...well...

Ron: YOU $! MY SISTER??

Harry: It was good though.

Ginny: Not the right thing to say hunny. 


	19. Chapter 19

Malfoy: My father and I have a bet you see. He doesnt think your gonna last 10 minutes in this tournament. I disagree- I think you won't last 5.

Harry: You know what, y the beep don't u just go and beep yourself you little beep

* * *

Hermione: Everything is going to change now, isn't it?

Harry: ... yes.

Ron: Oh, all right then. Who's up for tea and crumpets?

* * *

Harry turned to Dumbledore: "i c-can't b-believe he's d-dead professor"

Dumbledore replied "that's because he is not dead"

Harry suddenly looks up in surprise "really, ar-are you serious!"

Dumbledore replies "no of course not you nitwit, of course he is dead"

Harry sat there, shocked at wat Dumbledore had said "wait, why did you say that then"

Dumbledore giggled "i dunno. I thought it was funny and man was it. you should have seen your face"

* * *

Dumbledore lowered his hands and surveyed harry through his half moon glasses.

"it's time," he said,"for me to share with u what i should have shared 5 years ago, harry. Please sit down. i am going to tell you everything. i ask only a little patience. you will have your chance to rage at me - do whatever u like - when i have finished. i will not stop you."

Harry glared at him for a moment, then flung himself into the chair opposite Dumbledore and waited.

Dumbledore stared for a moment at the sunlit grounds outside the window, then looked back at harry, his eyes watering slightly, and said, "i should have let this out when you first arrived at Hogwarts 5 years ago, Harry. the truth is ..."

Suddenly a buzzing noise filled the room and continued grow louder for what seemed 10 minutes, causign harry to look around in wonder.

"... phroar!" winced Dumbledore, "that was a spicy one."

* * *

Neville: Amazing...absolutely amazing...

Harry: smoking a cigarette Yeah I thought it was good too.

* * *

Knock, Knock

Who's there?

You know

You know who

That's right, **_Avada Kedavra! _**

* * *

Harry: I knew I did a great job at buying this dashboard confessional shirt! Everyone one on the train is lookin' at me!

* * *

Dumbledore: Harry, get up out mah bussiness.

* * *

Harry to voldy: would go to my parent teacher conference

* * *

ron: harry i'm gay

Harry: i already knew that but since were confessing, so am I

Ron: really

(they start making out)

(hermione walks in)

Hermione: uh hey me standing here??

* * *

sirius: so Hermione, you 18 yet?

Hermione: well not exactly but i'm so desperate i'll be anything u want me to be baby.

* * *

Harry: we've got to stop voldemort

Hermione: ye- I'm sorry but this is the 6th book and we still haven't made out.

* * *

Dean: Ginny! What does Harry have that I don't?

Ginny: An 11 inch wand

* * *

Harry: (While pulling his invisibility cloak in front of and away form his face.)Peek-a-Boo, I see you!

Snape: (claps hands) Again! Again!

* * *

Harry: Hey Hagrid, your door is locked. Can we come in?

Hagrid: What's the magic word?

Hermione: Alohamora! 


	20. Chapter 20

_Voldemort: Hey, Pete! Does uhhh... does black really make people look thinner? _

_Peter: Th-that's w-w-what th-they s-s-say, M-Master. _

_Voldemort: Excellent... I must make sure I'm sexier than Dumbledore during the next battle! MWAHAHA!!!_

* * *

Harry Potter Fan: I want it long and thick!

Harry: Uh huh?

Harry Potter Fan: So it'll keep me up all night!

Harry: WTF!

Harry Potter Fan: I'm talking about the 7th book, you perv!

* * *

Aunt Marge: Do they use the cane at that school of yours?

Harry: Oh, yea, I've been beaten loads of times.

Aunt Marge: Oh, kinky Harry!

* * *

**_Snape:_**_ Ms Granger! What would you get if you were to add pickled toad skin to a pint of werewolf saliva? _

**_Hermione:_**_ Oh, uhhh... errrrr... hmm... ummm... THREE?! _

* * *

Collin: Hi, Harry, one more picture?

Harry: You know, in the muggle world, you'd be called a stalker.

* * *

Harry: (reading aloud from his 6th year potions book) "And then I said, Harder professor, harder." Who WRITES this sh!t?

* * *

(Snape is about to kill Dumbledore)

Albus: Severus, please...

Snape: Avada Kedavra!

(Dumbledore drops dead)

Snape: Yipee-kay-yee motherbeeper!

* * *

(Sirius' reaction to Bill and Fleur getting married)

Sirius: A wedding? I love weddings! Drinks all around!

* * *

Snape: I won't say that line one more time!

Sirius: Say it!

Lupin: You know you want to.

Snape: sighQuarreling like an old married couple.

Lupin: He did it!

* * *

Harry: Lucius!

Lucius: Yes?

Harry (quickly): A deatheater says what?

Lucius: What?

Harry: Exactly

* * *

Snape: Potter, what would you get if you mixed wolfsbane, with newt's eye, and bat's wing?

Harry: Beats the fuk out of me Professor

Snape: I see you still feel you are better than everyone, eh Potter?

Harry: Well who's the daft prick who can't land the Defense against the Dark Arts job?

* * *

Draco: Been spending your summers with the Weasleys again eh Potter?

Harry: So?

Draco: Oh nothing, just thought I'd ask

* * *

Hermione: Ron, next time jus get the courage up and ask me, and not as a last resort...

Ron: Your right Hermione, do you want to go out?

Hermione: No way, you scab, I just wanted to make you sweat. 


	21. Chapter 21

harry in death battle wiv voldy

random person: choose your weapon!

holds out wand, magic staff and knife

harry: pulls out giant nutcrackerill use THIS!

* * *

hermione: Have you 2 finished your essay or brushed your teeth and have you even thought of herbology... blah blah blah 

Ron and harry at the same time: Avada Kadavra

Hermione drops dead

* * *

cedric: Cho I luv you 

Cho: I luv you too, well not as much as harry. what he did to me last nite should be illegal. Whoops!

Cedric: WHAT!

Voldemort pops out of nowhere and kills him

Cho: Im free

VOldemort: how you doin' ??

* * *

George: you know were twins so were kinda like clones, so say we practice certain things, it wouldnt be gay or incest, it would be masturbation. 

Fred: GEORGE! ...your brilliant

* * *

Voldemort: Who needs Harry Potter?? Bring me Captain Jack Sparrow and some melted chocolate

* * *

Voldemort: Tell me how the fuck am I still alive

* * *

Ron to Herm: I should have told u from the very day I met u. Im a eunuch

* * *

Harry to Voldemort: Looks like your off the medication again

* * *

(Lupin's walking down the hall and Hagrid confronts him.) 

Hagird: I saw you go into the shrieking shack last night with Sirius and the kids. There was banging and screaming and howling!

Lupin: Yeah? What's you point?

Hagird: It wasn't a full moon

* * *

Lupin: Harry, I have to tell you something. 

Harry: What's that professor?

Lupin: Harry, I gay.

Harry; Are you fucking Sirius?

Lupin: Yea, that too.

* * *

Harry: Sirius, I need to ask you something. 

Sirius: What is it?

sits Harry down on a chair and puts a hand on his shoulder

Sirius: You know you can tell me anything.

Harry: Well...

Sirius: What is it?

Harry: I need you to tell me about sex!

Sirius: ...

* * *

at the end of the fourth one when Harry transports out of the graveyard with Cedric's body 

Death Eaters: ...

Voldy: This is totally NOT groovy!

* * *

Voldemort: Wormtail, I want you to tell me something in french. 

Wormtail: Voulez vous couchez avec moi?

Voldemort: ...Oui, monsieur! Thought you'd never ask

* * *

Hermione (to Harry): I'm starting a girl band, wanna join?

* * *

Bellatrix: My Lord, I have something I want to tell you. 

Voldemort: And what's that Bella?

Bellatrix: Let's make like a gun and bang. 


	22. Chapter 22

Snape: Ms Granger! What would you get if you were to add pickled toad skin to a pint of werewolf saliva?

Hermione: A smell rather like that of your breath sir.

* * *

Hermione: I have a solution to your slight stoop, ronald

Ron: What?

Her: Whinge or sulk one more godamn time and ill shove your 14 inch wand so far up your ass it'll connect with your spine

* * *

(Frank silently walked up the stairs. He could hear mens voices. Intruders! He went to the door and listened)

Wormtail: It's not that youre unpopular, master...

Voldemort: It's not fair. What did I do? Suddenly everyone wants to kill me. Did Albus ever consider that I have feelings too? I was a good student, i simply fell into the wrong crowd. I was always polite...A little lower, Peter. Thats it...thats lovelyyyy

Wormtail: Master?

Voldemort: Yes wormtail?

Wormtail: why is crouch jnr here?

Barty: Its perfectly simple. Im here because the plot twist was deemed to sneaky and intellectual for most of today's cinematic audiences. While the book was a children's book, warner still deemed it too intellectual for today's audiences so they made it simpler.

Wormtail: Surely no-ones that moronic

(Frank pulled the wax out of his ears. He could swear he heard the words "intellectual" and "simpler" which everyone knew was nonsense words.)

* * *

Harry: Ginny, i don't want you to come with me when i go and hunt Voldemort.

Ginny: What? Oh, i see, it's always you and Voldemort! I never can go with anything! Are you having an affair with him or something?

* * *

gilderoy to ron in the chamber of secrets: I'll show you mine if you show me yours!

* * *

voldemort: i'm opting for a micheal jackson look!

wormtail: why's that Sir?

voldemort: the kiddies like it better!

* * *

(At the end of the 3rd task when cedric and harry go to the grave yard and voldermort sends for his followers..)

Voldermort: welcome my friends ( turns around to welcome them ) tonight we gather here.. for crying out loud what happened to your other outfits???? i told you to wear navy not black. geez cant you people do anything right??

* * *

Sirius: Ok Harry, now that you're 15, we need to have a talk..

Harry: About what?

Sirius: Well... When a man loves a woman..

Harry: Oh.. That talk...

Sirius: Let me finish! When a man loves a woman, he leaves his dirty hands away from her, at least until they're legal!!!

Harry: Oh, too late..

* * *

Dumbledore: ive been watching you Hermione

Hermione: really, because i have been working on this Conflaxtious curse and...

Dumbledore: Husshhh...(puts fingers to Hermiones lips)

Hermione: Wahhhh

Dumbledore: You are a fine woman Hermione

Hermione: Ohh thank you, i got this new dress on sale and i told Ron and Harry about it and they didnt even notice and...

Dumbledore: No, not like that i mean Hermione you are a beautiful woman...catch what im saying...

Hermione: Not really...

Dumbledore: DAMMIT ive got the HOTS FOR YOU...

* * *

Hermione: No, Dobby, don't make the tea, Ron can do it.

Ron: Do you want sugar Dobby?

Dobby: No thanks.

Ron: Sorry, I already put some in.

Dobby: YOU SPOILED IT!! You STUPID, FAT HOBBIT!! 


	23. Chapter 23

Ron: Well I cant stand your face

Harry: Fine get out. Ill get a new roommate

The next day

Knock, knock

Roommate: Hello, my name is relliK. I cut myself. I bleed alot. I have a problem. Can i get the bed by the window????

Harry inches away from the dude.

Harry: Okay, ya, you do that. RON!!!!!

* * *

Kreacher: Harry Potter is my hero. Duh.

* * *

(Harry and Ron marveling at all the books Hermione has)

Ron: Hermione, how can you afford all those books?

Hermione: Boy are you dense...how old are we now?

Harry: 15, why?

Hermione: Ive been whoring myself out to Krum and his friends. Its rather nice actually...

Looks of shock

Harry: Hermione that's AWFUL!

Hermione: Not really. If u had bothered to read Hogwart's: a History, you would know thats how Professor McGonagall made it through her tough 6th year...

Harry and Ron in unison: Oh God! retch splat

Then looking at one another, Ron says: How much you got Harry? Should we tag-team her?


	24. OotP: Dudley Demented: HPNS style

The hottest day of the summer so far was drawing close as a drowsy silence lay over the large, square houses of Privet Drive. The only person left outdoors was a gay teenage boy who was lying flat on his front looking at Po0rn.

He was a skinny, black-haired, and odd looking. His jeans were torn and dirty because the attempt of Dumblerdore tried to rape him last year when he was called in to be in the Tournament. They had a great celebration, anyways. Then a window open and there was his uncle talking. "Glad that Bitch stopped butting in when we are having sex with other people, especially Michael Jackson, our own son, which we called Dudley but where is that ugly boy?"

"I know. Maybe he is in your belly." said Aunt Petunia while she puts on her clothes and waiting to see someone, but who. LATER ON at night Dudley came with his gangbangers " HAHAH HARRY youre so afraid to have sex in your bed." said Dudley. "What are you talking about?? Why am i afraid??" says Harry. "I heard u last night moaning, like you were having an orgasm in ur dream". said Dudley

"omg did u? Said harry. then Dudley SAYS " Yes you said "Cho dont beep Cedric dont beep cedric!' Who's Cedric ur boyfriend?" "YES!! I MEAN NO!! he is not... youre lying?!" says harry in a worried mood. Come dad, Harry has a boyfriend hahahahahahaha------ dont point your dick." Then harry said "dont talk about ma boyfriend like that ever again?"

"Point that dick somewhere else like at you dead boyfriend. Cmon harry im not gay." Thn it starts getting cool then Demtors came to kiss Dudley. Harry tried to do spells but one thing came and made out with Dudley


	25. Chapter 25

VOLDEMORT: "You will taste the black sperm of my vengeance!"

* * *

RON: "Harry, I love you. I have always loved you. I didnt understand before, but I do understand now. Please, say you'll be mine, and I'll take you away from all this." 

HARRY: "Ron... I wish I could quit you."

* * *

HERMIONE: "Lavender, give me that Cosmo magazine!"

* * *

RON: "Hermione, would you shut up?! I'm trying to work!"

* * *

**Dumbledore**: Harry . . . pull my finger.

* * *

**Voldemort**: I wish there was a way to get more people to join as Death Eaters! 

**Wormtail**: Well, Master, I think there is one thing that may help . . .

**Voldemort**: And what's that, Wormtail?

**Wormtail**: Well, it's a place where a bunch of stupid kids go and they'll believe anything you say and it's easy to sucker them into doing whatever you want. You could have them meet us somewhere, and then we can kidnap them and force them into joining us.

**Voldemort**: Really? What is it?

**Wormtail**: day)

**Ron**: Harry, I have something I need to tell you.

**Harry**: What?

**Ron**: I'm a Death Eater.

**Harry**: WHAT?

**Ron**: Well, I was on my Myspace . . .

* * *

**Malfoy**: To tell the truth, Goyle . . . I _did_ cry at the end of "Titanic".

* * *

**Harry**: Rowling sucks!

* * *

(Voldemort has just killed someone and his Death Eaters are behind him.) 

**Voldemort**: Come on, guys, let's go get some fckin' Mountain Dew!

**Lucius**: Dude, Voldy, that was so fckin' extreme!

* * *

**Sirius**: Harry, your parents aren't really dead. 

**Harry** (his face lights up): Really?

**Sirius**: Nah, I'm just messin' with ya.

* * *

**Hermione**: I just don't understand it -- why didn't anyone like _Kazaam_? 

**Ron**: Because it sucked.

**Harry**: Like our last movie!

**Newell**: Why does everyone btch about that movie? You kids need to find something better to do with your time! No one cares about your opinions! There's nothing you can do about it! If we wanna ruin a great series of books then what are you gonna do about it? Complain on Oh, we're scared now.

**Hermione**: You cut out the houselves, you bastard!

**Harry**: I even got bored during The Maze sequence! And thanks for taking out the Sphinx

* * *

Fred: Hermione, why aren't you in class? 

Hermione: Didn't feel like going

George: Go to potions right now or I'll report you to McGonagall

* * *

Barty Crouch Jr: "I show you mine if you show me yours!" 

Harry: Holy Hell! Where do you wanna do it? Im so happy that the polyjuice potion doesnt effect you anymore... you are sooo much sexier than Mad-Eye!...Come on, lets do it in Dumbledore's room, nobody will find us there...unless they know the password...oh, Dear...Hey, headmaster, can I borrow your room for a while?"

Dumbledore: "Can I ask why, Harry?"

Harry: Sure, I'm going yo beep Barty Jnr before the Dementors take him away from me

Dumby: Oh, that's alright, Harry, you may use my room as long as you like, have fun"

Harry: "Thanks, Headmaster. you Rock...Lets go, Barty!"

Barty Jr: "Can Voldemort join us?"

Harry: "Sure, no problem...what ta heck, let's invite Lucius too...and Bellatrix and Draco...aand...Sirius! Oh and Snape!"

Barty jr: "Never mind, let's go!"

* * *

Peter: Are you going to smoke that? 

Voldemort: I was saving until I finished off Potter.

Peter: Don't you mean until you finished WITH Potter? ha ha ha...

Voldemort: Ok now I'm sure you found my stash 


	26. Chapter 26

Neville: Ginny, are you still a...a virgin?

Ginny: Cmon Neville. With Fred and George around??

* * *

Moody and Hagrid watching Fleur walk pass them

Moody: Bet you couldnt fit your cock in her fanny

Hagrid: Alrigh youre on

Fleur: Dont I get a say in this?

Moody and Hagrid: NOOOOOO!!!!

* * *

Voldemort: Peter?

Wormtail: Yes my Lord

Voldemort: Did you ever do it with lady rats??

* * *

Dumbledore: Minerva... will you marry me?

McGonagall: Oh, Albus. I don't know what to say!

Snape: (as he coughs) Sickos.

* * *

(At beginning of GoF)

Voldemort: Wormtail, I want to look younger when I am resurrected.

Wormtail: Yes, master?

Voldemort: So when you resurrect me, please add some of Paris Hilton's blood.

* * *

Slughorn: Alms, alms for the poor.

Hagrid: Yes, professor!

(He turns around and spots Snape.)

Hagrid: Sorry, professor, but Slughorn needs them.

Snape: What are you... AAH!

(Hagrid chops Snape's arms off.)

* * *

Hermione: Ron, I'm sorry to tell you this first, but...

Ron: But what?

Hermione: I've been seeing someone for the past few years.

Ron: Oh, well. Who was it?

Hermione: Pansy Parkinson.

Ron: I'm just gonna back away slowly...

* * *

Hermione: Professor Moody! I need to ask you something!

(Moody jumps and inadvertently turns Hermione into a newt.)

Harry: Quick! Change her back!

Moody: See, that's the problem.

Ron: What problem?

Moody: I cant change anyone back if the animal theyve become was mentioned in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Harry: So who can change her back?

Moody: Um..., well, we could either ask Snape to cure her or just leave her there.

(Pause.)

Ron: Let's go.

Harry: Get Snape?

Ron: Of course not.

Harry: Okay. 


	27. Chapter 27

Malfoy: (to Crabbe and Goyle) Watch this. (to Harry) So, whove you slept with lately, Potter?

Harry: I could ask you the same thing. Perhaps thats why those 2 follow you everywhere.

* * *

Flitwick: Swish and flick! Swish and flick!

Seamus: You don't have a home life, do you, professor?

* * *

Nearly Headless Nick: (to Ron) Once again, you show all the sensitivity of a blunt axe.

Hermione: Actually, given the ratios in the density of metal in a blunt axe, also throwing in yo the effect that blunt means they arent sharp, we can conclude that Ron is a very sensitive person.

Nearly Headless Nick: Well, then! Ms. Granger, you have left me no choice!

(He whistles. Three people come jumping out of nowhere.)

Hermione: Oh my God! I wasn't expecting that!

Cardinal Ximinez: NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION GHOSTS! you have been charged with uttering the sacred blunt axe testament! The punishment for such a deed is to be shot from a cannon into a POOL!

Hermione: That's not so bad!

(1 hour later)

Hermione: WELL, HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT THE CASTLE STONE WOULD B IN THE WAY?

* * *

Ron: Harry I have something to tell you.

Harry: Yeah?

Ron: Ive been drugging your pumpkin juice so you can sleep while i inject you with my spotted dick.

Harry:...I have no words for you

* * *

Voldemort: Im so beep high right now.

Harry: I know, me too

Voldemort: I have something to tell you Harry

Harry: Yeah?

Voldemort: (in a low whisper) i see dead people...heehehe.

* * *

Harry: This is it "My Lord", the last battle. Tonight, we end this war!

Both pull out their wands

Voldy: Why dont I give you a head start Harry, show me how good you really are! laughs sarcasticly

Harry with hatred and revenge burning in his stomach:

You killed my mother, my father and the closest thing to a father I ever had. I promise you will never hurt anyone EVER again! I will watch the light leave your eyes!

Voldy angrier and MADDER than usual: Evil laughs

Harry prepares to cast spell

Harry: Wait!! how does that curse go again?

* * *

Ginny pushed away the tears with the back of her hand.

She says in a low soft voice, "I promise I won't tell."

Harry smiled. "I know you won't... Avada Kedavra!!"

* * *

Harry: Look, frog lady, how come you can always get these decrees approved by the Ministry of Magic?

Umbridge: Because I'm the Undersecratary to Corny himself.

Ron: Uh...Corny?

Umbridge: What? That's my pet name for my sweet...uh, 20, no, 50 points from Gryffindor and you'll all be expelled if you ever, ever mention this to anyone. Not one word!


	28. Chapter 28

Harry and Ron walking through a door

Harry: yeah, that was great, What the fuck??

Neville is dancing Buffalo Bill style in front of a mirror, "Goodbye Horses" -Q Lazzarus playing in the background

Ron: What the fuck

Neville putting on lipstick:Would you fuck me?

Harry: Fuck no!

Ron: What the fuck is wrong with you, dude!

* * *

Voldemort: Wormtail? 

Wormtail: Yes, master?

Voldemort: I want to use the spell to enlarge my genitals.

Wormtail: Why master, you have a very capable wand.

Voldemort: Well, my boyfriend Gollum is complaining that I am not pleasuring him enough and is threatening to dump me for Darth Vader.

Wormtail: Darth Vader? I tried him and he ain't good.

Voldemort: Darthie not good? How else do you think he took control of his entire planet?

Wormtail: Umm...with a lightsaber?

Voldemort: Exactly...if you know what I mean.

* * *

snape: Potter!!!!!! 

harry: What?

snape: Let's f uck.

harry: I was hoping you would say that.

* * *

Aunt Petunia: Harry darling, what kind of icing would you like on your birthday cake? Tell me sweetie so I can send off Dudley to the supermarket before he does his chores.

* * *

Harry: Come on Ron, punch me in the stomach as hard as you can!! 

Ron: Well alright. (punches Harry)

Harry: Ron you weakling! HARDER!

* * *

ARTHUR WEASLEY drunk: "7 kids later, me and Molly still got the heat!" 

GEORGE: "Shut up!"

FRED: "That's our mother you're talking about, you sick bastard!"

ARTHUR: "That's right boys... I shagged your mother! Bwahahahahahaha!"

* * *

-Wormtails looking in the mirror at himself and Voldy comes and wraps his arms around him- 

Wormtail: I don't like it...

Voldy: No?

-touches his hair- Wormtail: Its just to short, Im think of growing it out more. Have a Jennifer Anistion maybe...

Voldy: I like it...makes you look tuff.

* * *

Harry: Ron! You've got a banana in your ear! 

Ron: What?

Hermione: Ron! You've got a banana in your ear!

Ron: What???

Voldy: Ron! You have got a banana in your ear!!

Ron: WHAT!??

Jared Leto: Ron! YOU'VE GOT A BANANA IN YOUR EAR!

Ron: What??? I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear!

Harry, Hermione, Voldy and Jared laughing: Awww! You got us!

Ron laughs: I got you guys good!


	29. The Harry Potter Movie deal

(chap 1)

You know what I think? All we need is a PLAN. Something big. Something grand. Something ... EXTRAORDINARY. Good thing you came to me, 'cause IIII know what it should be. Moves close to Voldemort and puts arm around his shoulders and uses the other arm to point to the sky, a tear glistening in his eye. Think about it Volders, ... Your name up in lights ... I think you know where I'm headin' ... I thiink you know where I'm headin'!!

_Voldemort and Me at same time:_ THEME SONG!

It's the perfect plan _I turn on a projector and some music_. Every "Evil Person", well, I wouldn't call you evil, but just to stick to layman's terms, you would be considered an evil person. Don't you agree?

_Voldermort nods inquisitively_.

Good! So anyway, lets start back on the early days. Long John Silver had that weird Pirate theme. Darth Vader had his weird theme. And well Sauron and Saruman ... not sure if they had themes ... but they won Oscars. Team Rocket had their theme. Those bad guys from the original "Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers" had their weird theme when their little "Moon Base" was shown. You know: dunnndunnnnn ... The French Taunter in Monty Python, and Mr. Creosote had a theme. Even the freakin Karate Kid had a theme. So now we have to find you a theme!

_Pulls down chart and takes out stick to point_.

Here is the plan. We need a composer. Now I was thinking John Williams, but Severus seems to think that Paris Hilton is the way to go. It's your choice, we'll come back to it later. Next, we will need some kind of like you know, like a signature pose. Like umm... the Rock, you know, his um Raising that eyebrow thing. _Voldemort raises one eyebrow_. Yeah! Like that, but it's already taken. Like the DX crotch chops. And ummm Paris Hilton's "That's Hot" quote thing. But it seems that "Avada Kedavra" seems to be your own special little quote, so you can keep that. I've hired some choreographers to find you your own little "Action" movement. NEXT on the list, now, I wanted this to be a surprise ... but I can't hold it in any longer!

_I take out a big Movie Poster and unravel it for him. It looks like this: (for some reason the pics cant come but trust me they are hilarious. If you wanna see, message me and ill post the link in my profile)_

Me: Great eh? We managed to get Steven Spielberg to direct this! Well ... we had to persuade him a bit. Not only that, we got great actors to play the roles! We got Jessica Alba to play Bellatrix, we got Brad Pitt to play Severus, and of course we got Ben Stiller to play your Father! Oh and Jack Black as a younger Slughorn ... And in a SURPRISE flashback scene, we have Vince Vaughn as Salazar Slytherin. Oh and Will Ferrell as Professor Dippet. Oh and the Wilson Brothers, Owen and Luke, as some of your school buddies. Oh well, basically the whole Frat Pack were given roles. And to play the Potters, we have Jon Heder playing James Potter and Kirsten Dunst as Lily Potter. And for the teen girls, we have Justin Timberlake as a younger Sirius. And for Lupin we have Mike Myers. We also have Samuel L. Jackson as an Auror hell-bent on capturing you, and his partner John Travolta, who you will kill. I know that bit is made up, but the Producers wanted more action. So yeah, very star-filled. Basically We want to rival the Harry Potter franchise, cause if Harry Potter has this much attention, you should to! So Sony will be backing this film. But we have to include Spiderman somehow ...

Voldemort: But ... But ... I'm not black ...

Me again: Tut-tut ... i haven't gotten there yet. Now, me and some of the Death Chewers. Oh, I renamed them, if that's alright. "Eaters" made it seem too ... dangerous. They should chew death so they don't choke. Understand? Plus it has that evil side, because you get to chew the death, you get to savour it... Anyways, me and the Death Chewers have been thinking that you are a bit too white, so ... We planned a trip to Bali! All expenses paid. Severus and I even chose out some reeaaaaalllly great looking swimming trunks. It's got a SNAKE on it! Woooo! By the end of it, you will be as black as Eddie Murphy. Thanks for your time, your lordship. See you at our next meeting. Mrs. Watson will show you out. My next appointment is here. Come in Mr. Lensherr

* * *

Me (Talent Agent): So Mr. Potter, Ms. Granger, and Mr. Weasley, why have you come to my little firm? I daresay to guess that you need a bit of publicity?

Harry: Well, yes, sir. We feel that -

Ron: The frickin Baudelaire and those Wardrobe children are getting more publicity than us, cause it takes sooo looong to make the movies and books -

Hermione: Calm yourself Ron. Anyways our proposal is that -

Me: You wish to have a second film made about your journeys

Hermione:ShockedWow! Howd you know that? are you a wizard as well? Have you mastered Legilimency?

Me: ... No. Thats just what you guys left as a message with my secretary when you made the appointment.

Hermione: Oh

Me: Anyways, Im sure youve all heard of my very successful business relationship with Tom Marvolo Riddle

Harry: You mean Lord Voldemort?

Me: Oh whatever you want to call him. The Dark Lord, Lord, Kitty, Tom, whatever. Anyways Im sure you've heard, or maybe even seen the film I helped produce?

_I wave over at a wall in the background with a Movie poster that is framed_

Me: -all smug- So I'm sure you have a movie all planned out?

Harry: Actually -

Ron: No we don't have a beep clue

Me: It's alright, cauuuuuuseeee I knew something like this would arise annnnd I have THIS to show you:

_I Pull two posters from under my desk and show it to them_

_Harry_: What's this?!

Me: Oh we've just started production without you

Harry: ... but ... how'd you do it so fast?

Me: Well thats why Im the best in the business. The movie is already generating Oscar buzz ... which I started ...

Ron: Why isn't there a poster of me?!?

Me: Oh, the producers and I decided to kill you off

Ron:Speechless expression I...I

Me: And here are some other posters we plan on putting up.With your full co-operation, we believe this movie will be a success. We are filming in Detroit if you ever want to visit

Hermione: Detroit?!

Me: Well yes, we spent a lot of money on pre-production and paying the actors, and a bit on booze...

Harry: Do we get anything?

Me:Laughing "Do we get anything" ... haha. Well of course you do my little wizard. you gettt...

_I reach under my desk and pull out 2 boxes, and hand them each 2 Hermione and Harry_

Ron: What about me?!

Me: Well, the moment your character comes back to life and does something in the movie, Ill give something to you. Anyways, youll find some nice little goodies in there. A Voldemort keychain, a Pen with your FACE on it ... ANND a limited edition bag of M&MS ... I don't know why that bag is open.

Harry: I meant do we get any of the profit?

Me:Laughing "Do we get any of the profit?" ... my dear Harry, you crack me up. Stay still please

_I reach under my desk again, but this time, I push an intercom button, and whisper "Ms. Watson, call security. Code 1049." And I pop back up smiling_

Me: Well well... so ... what was your question again?

Harry: Do we get any of the profit?

Me: What was that? I can't seem to hear you, especially with all this music on.

Hermione: What music?

_I hit a button on a remote control behind me, and "Livin' la Vida Loca" starts playing_

Me: Why this music of course!

Harry: Shouting Do we get any of the profit?

Me: Well -

_The door slams open and around 10 burly security guards with tasers and guns storm the room_

Me:acting badly Oh my! What is the meaning of this!

Head Guard: We have suspicion of there being drugs in this room

Me:acting badly Drugs! How horrible ... what's that?!!?!?

_I point in a direction and everyone looks that way, and while Harry, Hermione and Ron are looking where my finger is pointing, 1 guard slips a bag of cocaine in Harrys robe pocket_

Hermione: I can't see anything

Me: Oh well, must just be something in my eye. Go ahead officers, proceed with your investigation. Oh this is so exciting!

_Guards are searching around, and look at Harry, Hermione, and Ron. They tell them to stand up, which they do. And they search their robe pockets ... and... The guard pulls the bag of cocaine out of Harry's pocket_

Me:badly acting again OH MY!! There it is officers! Officer _I lean closer to read his name tag_ Creosote has found it!! GET THEM OUT OF MY OFFICE!!

Harry: I've never seen that in my life!

Ron: You planted tha- _A guard tasers him_ ahhhhhhhhh!!!!

Hermione: Why would he use cocaine!?!?

Me: How am I supposed to know? Get them out!

Ron: You won't get awa- _The guard tasers him again_ ahhhhhhh beep

_Officers are dragging them out, while Ron and Harry are cursing at me. When they all leave, I close the door_

Me:to myself phew, I never thought I'd have to use Code 1049 ...

_We hear faintly from outside the door, the sound of Ron screaming again from being tasered and him shouting "I didnt even say anything!" and getting tasered again ...The intercom rings - I answer it_

Ms Watson:Through Intercom Mr. Lensherr is here again

Me: Send him in ...

* * *

(At the premiere of "Harry Potter: The Later Years")

_James Blunt & Lindsay Lohan are walking around and waving at the fans (See up to read previous post). While Harry and Hermione are sulking behind and Ron is hiding with the Invisibility cloak since he wasn't invited to the Premiere. Harry feels him shaking_

Harry: Stop shaking! The cloak will fall off!

Ron: I can't! The taser effects haven't worn off!

Hermione: Maybe there is a way to get rid of it

Harry: Doesn't matter now, no one can see Ron, just wave at our fans

Hermione: ... none of them seem interested in us. They seem to be more interested in Eminem, 50 Cent, Owen Wilson, and the others ... Let's go talk to that talent agent

_In the distance I'm talking to some fans, and signing autographs while Harry, Ron and Hermione walk up to me_

Me: Well I'm very proud of this movie ... where? You want me to sign your boob? Well oka- Oh hello children. Mr Weasley isn't here? Good. I had prepared some guards in case. Well what are you doing moping around, go talk!

Hermione: That's the problem, no one is interested in us

Me: Oh my poor children, just talk for a while, introduce yourselves, just like the first day of school! Now shoo! I have to sign a few ... documents. _They walk away_ - Oh my! Robin Williams and Billy Crystal! My my, I never expected you to show up. We have no more places ...

Robin Williams: Oh that's too bad

Billy Crystal: Yeah ... I guess we'll hop back in our limos and go back home and get drunk ... _A pause, and then they both burst out laughing, along with me_

Me: Ha! Good one you guys! hahaha ... no more places for you! Ha! that's a joke ... we'll just get rid of ... Mr. Potter ... annnnd ... no ... Mr. Blunt was important ... oh and Ms. Granger! There you go! hahaha ... no places ... I crack myself up (The 3 of us are laughing hard). Let's go in.

_The actors are all lining up to enter, and it's Harry, Ron and Hermione's turn (Ron is hiding between them so he can squeeze in). They walk up to the Guard at the door with the namelist and say their names_

Mr. Creosote (Guard): I'm sorry; your names aren't on that list

Harry: What? There has to be a mistake. We got invitations

Mr. Creosote: Look buddy, your name ain't on the list, you ain't going in

Harry: But this movie is about US!

Mr. Creosote: Laughing Yeah, and Cleopatra was about me! Get lost

Ron: Throws off the cloak still shaking you let us in! Or we'll make you.Their hands are lingering over their wands in their back pocket

Mr. Creosote: Oh really? Larry! Harry! Mary! Get over here! Three big looking guys walk over These guys seem to think they is gonna be wizarding up all over us

Harry: Yes we are! Pulls out his wand and points it at Mr. Creosote, but Mr. Creosote pulls out his gun and points it at his head

Mr. Creosote: You try casting a spell, and I be blowing your wizarding head all over this red carpet _Larry is pointing his taser towards Ron, who is cowering and shivering like a baby, and is really scared. Harry and Mary are holding Hermione back_ Now GET LOST.


	30. Chapter 30

Hagrid: You're a wizard, Harry!

Harry: I'm a what?

Hagrid: Haven't you ever watched Lord of the Rings?

* * *

Prof Trelawney: Well, i never saw THAT coming!

* * *

Snape drunk in a bar.

Snape: Yeah, I was the #1 at that beep school. But no, somebody had to come back and I kicked Dumbldore's ass. So what, what are you gonna do?

Sober guy next to him: WTF?

* * *

Snape to Hermione: i want to pop your cherry.

* * *

Snape: Minerva, will you marry me?

* * *

**Voldemort** (singing): Who lives in a pineapple under the sea . . .

* * *

**Dumbledore**: Now, I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger . . .

* * *

(Everyone sits in the Great Hall and the food appears. Ron points at a strange looking piece of food.)

**Ron**: Hey, what's this?

**Harry**: I dunno. I've never seen it served before.

**Hermione**: It looks like a . . . fried toad.

**Neville**: Has anyone seen Trevor?

* * *

**Harry**: Hey, can you guys believe that some people boycott these books and movies because of the whole witchcraft thing?

**Hermione**: Well, that's silly.

**Ron**: I know. Thats like saying your gonna boycott a Mel Gibson movie because he said anti-Semetic statements while he was being arrested for DUI.

**Harry**: I know. Crazy world, ain't it? 


	31. Bertha Jorkins capture

(We never got to see _exactly_ how Wormtail got Bertha Jorkins to Voldemort. Well, here's just one possibility.)

**Wormtail**: Oh yes, there are many things people don't know about the Dark Lord.

**Bertha**: Really? Like what?

**Wormtail**: Well, he can play the guitar and has an _amazing_ singing voice. He's got the soul of the devil, but a voice of an angel. I mean, I cried when he played "Amazing Grace", I mean, I wept.

**Bertha**: Huh. I never would have guessed that about him.

**Wormtail**: Oh yes, but do you want to know his biggest secret?

**Bertha**: Sure.

**Wormtail**: He's a huge Starr Jones fan. Loves her.

**Bertha**: Really?

**Wormtail**: Yeah. He has a poster of her up on his wall in the Riddle House. He won't watch "The View" any more because of Barbara Walters.

**Bertha**: Well, that's understandable.

**Wormtail**: I kno. He was so mad he put Walters on the top of his hit list, even higher than Harry Potter.

**Bertha**: Now that's surprising.

**Wormtail**: I know. Then he found out that Barbara Walters is immune from death and will never, ever die and will be around for all eternity.

**Bertha**: What did he do then?

**Wormtail**: He said, "Wormtail, go find some dumb drunk btch and bring her to me so I can kill her instead."

**Bertha**: Oh, well, that's not good.

**Wormtail**: I know, it's horrible . . . Can I get you another round?

**Bertha**: I'd love one, thanks. 


	32. Chapter 32

**Ron**: LENO!

**Hermione**: LETTERMAN!

**Ron**: LENO!

**Hermione**: LETTERMAN!

**Ron**: LENO!

**Luna**: CONAN!

* * *

**Harry**: You wanted to see me, Professor?

**Dumbledore**: Yes. Do you have a Myspace?

**Harry**: No. I have Xanga.

**Dumbledore**: Oh.

**Harry**: You've only got four friends, don't you?

**Dumbledore**: . . . three.

* * *

Ron: Dude, are you gay?

Harry: No Im not gay

Neville: I touched a guys balls in Hebrew school once

Ron: Its okay if you like to beep guys, I got lots of friends that like to beep guys...In jail

* * *

Harry is in the bathroom slitting his wrists

Hedwig comes in after a long flight

Harry: Come here girl.

Hedwig starts hooting at him accusingly

Harry: I dont have to listen to you. Youre an owl. You have no soul

* * *

(Death Eaters hold up the burrow and take Herm hostage)

Harry: Oh no. what are we gonna do now. they have Hermione

at Herm

Herm: So… are you gonna have your way with me?

DE: What!! O god!! No!!! What!??! are you crazy??

Herm coming on to the man and rubbing up on him

The Order finally arrives

Some Random Order officer: Ok. We've got the DE but theyre charging Hermione for sexual harrassment

Ron: Im just glad everyones ok

Herm: Guys. Im going to Azkaban

Harry: Now we can live our lives in peace for once

The Order member is taking her away

Herm: GUYS!!!

Harry: Have fun on your date Hermione waving at her

* * *

Ron: Let me explain to you again, Gryffindor wears red robes, Ravenclaw blue robes, Slytherin green robes and Hufflepuff yellow robes.

Herm: You mean yellow like a stop sign

Harry: No, yellow like the stuff between Rons toes

Ron: I named them Fred and Sam

* * *

**sirius back to harry: yes your my godson now come give me a hug you big hunk of mancandy! **

* * *

(At the Yule Ball)

Ron: You are denying that you have feelings for me?

Hermione: I DO like you, but Viktor asked me first.

Ron: Forget about it. let's go back to the common room.

Later, in the Common Room--Ron and Hermione are making out on a couch.

Hermione: I'm gonna shoot sparks from your wand. But first--

Hermione takes her wand.

Hermione: Abra condom!

Ron: I love it when you make spells. Now, ride my broomstick.

* * *

Draco: Why, harry, you look rather fetching today. I like your scar today, its sexy.

Harry, thinking: o.O

* * *

Herm: Tomorrow we're going to be ..mmmm...mmm.mmmGinny: excitedly men! 


	33. Chapter 33

Its Ron and Herm wedding day and Slughorns the minister

Ron has cold feet and doesnt turn up

Slughorn: Shall we continue the wedding without Rupert?

Herm: Ronald

Slughorn: Ronald?? He looks like a Rupert with that red hair. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE

* * *

Harry: Did you see that part?

Ron: And when he fell on her?? hilarious

They walk up to the boys dorm and open the dorm to see Herm and Seamus doing it on Harrys bed covered in chocolate and whipped-cream

Herm: This isnt what it looks...wait...wait...yep, this is exactly what it looks like, theres no doubt about it

Ron: And on my bed!!!!?!?!

Harry: O shut up Ron!! Care for a threesome??

Ron: What about me??

Harry: Werent you just against all of this?

Hes already making his way over to the couple waiting on him

Ron: No one remembers Ron. Everyone just ignores Ron. Its like Rons not even here

Seamus: Shut up Ron

Herm: And whats up with the 3rd-person talk??

Ron: I dont know. I just thought id try it. There must be some reason Malfoy likes it. O screw this

Herm: Were already doin that

Ron: Im gonna go find Malfoy. Maybe he'll have some time for me in his life.

And Ron leaves the 3 to find Malfoy

* * *

Harry: Headmaster Voldemort is in Hogwarts!

Dumbledore: Honestly Harry, I can't fight all your battles for you.

Harry: But Headmaster...

Dumbledore: No buts, just look him straight in the eye and tell him "don't kill me!"

* * *

Ron: Release my wand you bloody bastard!

* * *

Harry to Ron: Ron, grab your wand!

* * *

Hermione: Headmaster, I bruised myself playing with my wand

Dumbledore: I see...

* * *

OK, Harry and Ron are talking to Hermione...

Harry: So, Hermione, that was a tough Transfiguration exam, eh?

Hermione just glares at Harry.

Ron: Well Harry, you cannot expect her to be happy, can you? Look at her breasts!! you made them gargantuan. Bloody brilliant if you ask me.

Harry: Well Ronald, I figured if she wasnt going to come out of the closet and tell the world that we have threesomes every 3 nights, I figured I would at least make it more pleasurable for us, while we're being laughed out of Hogwarts.

Ron: True, true.

Hermione: I will not continue on with these threesomes anymore!!! Im off to find Ginny and Neville!!!

Harry: Why?

Hermione: Because they're gay too!

Harry and Ron look utterly disturbed, yet interested. Hermione storms out of the room, leaving Harry and Ron alone in Gryffindor Tower.

Ron: Want to do it?

Harry: Might as well. Now that Hermione is gone, we dont have to act bi-sexual anymore!!! WE CAN FINALLY BE GAY… TOGHTEHR!!! ALONE!!!


	34. Chapter 34

dumbledore: you must do this harry.

harry: its too hard, forget this, i'm calling frodo

* * *

Ron: bullshit man...bullshit...and I was gettin' short.. 2 weeks and out...now Im gonna buy it on this rock

Harry: Pull together auror. I need u sharp and Im gettin sick of your shit.. This little girl managed to survive for 9 weeks, without training or supplies..

Hermione: AAAfirmative (gives a cute thumbs-up to Ron)

Ron: Heh, heh, ha, well why don't you just put her in charge?!!"

* * *

Herm: Jesus Christ Harry, why did you do that?...it hit my eye you prat.. I do swallow you know?

Harry: uh...Ron told me you liked that...

* * *

Harry: I know nothing, because I'm a woman!

Hermione: You're not a woman.

Harry: Oh, you bastard!

* * *

Lupin: Tonks, I am too old, too poor and too dangerous!

Tonks: I don't care!!!

Lupin: Ok, there's another thing. I...am in love with someone else.

Tonks: Are you beeping serious?!

Lupin: Well...I used to do that.

* * *

Harry: that was amazing

Hermione: yeah, you were great

Ron: let's do it again sometime

Neville: Can I have a copy of that tape?

Seamus: me too

Hermione: oh you guys! of course you can have a copy, once dean quits beep around with the video camera

* * *

**Lavender**: You know what your problem is? your standards are too high.

**Ron**: I went out with you.

**Lavender**: That's because my stardards were too low.

* * *

**Sirius**: I have a feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think "_That's_ why Im not a heterosexual."

* * *

**Bellatrix**: I'm not a lesbian! I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian!

* * *

**Sirius**: And to think I'd fail at failing.

**Lupin**: Aw, come on, now.

**Sirius**: I feel like I can't do anything wrong.

**Lupin**: Nonsense. You do everything wrong!

**Sirius**: You think so?

**Lupin**: Absolutely! I have no confidence in you.

**Sirius**: Well, I guess I'll just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and throw myself back down again.

**Lupin**: That's the spirit! You suck.

* * *

**Ron**: Maybe if he saw me with some of my black friends . . .**Harry**: Well, thatd be nice, but you dont have many black friends. (Thinks for a moment.) Outside of us, you don't have many white friends, either. 


	35. Chapter 35

Snape: Holy sht! It's the thought police!

Thought Policeman: Professor Severus Sexton Snape...

Harry: WTF? Sexton?

Thought Policeman: you dont honestly think that all of Dan Browns ideas are original, do you?

* * *

Prime Minister: It's your duty as Minister of Magic!

Fudge: O come now, Prime Minister! you cant honestly think that I am still the MoM!

Prime Minister: Was it because of all those catastrophes?

Fudge: Actually, I think they all found out I enjoy making out with dragon babies.

* * *

Hermione: Ron, I love you.

Ron: YAY!

Hermione: I have always had a deep, burning desire for you.

Ron: I knew it!

Hermione: It has been my fondest dream to touch my flesh to your flesh.

Ron: Huzzah!

Hermione: Now, then...

(She turns to Harry)

Hermione: You owe me 25 Galleons and a week's worth of back massages.

* * *

Dumbledore: Mr. Filch has asked me to tell you these 3 things. 1, anything bought from Weasley's Wizard Wheezes is strictly prohibited. 2, nobody is to enter the now-empty Chamber of Secrets unless accompanied by a suicidal house-elf. And 3, Mrs. Norris has been renamed Mrs. Filch. (gasps) Oh, you pervert!

* * *

(Harry to Voldemort on his death bed)"You have taken so much from me...my parents, my sanity, and several years of my life. you cant give those back to me, but i do want back are those 10 galleons I let you borrow." 


	36. Sesame Street and Hoggywarts

Theme song: Can ya tell me how to get, how to get to Seseme and Street,

How to get to Seseme and - record scratches

Stage hand: wrong song. jus start the show

Harry: Hello Harry Potter here and welcome 2 Hoggywarts. Id like to tell you what todays letter is but I am really fucked up. Hey Ron, do you know what todays letter is?

Ron: Todays letter is... Joint...

Herm: Ahhh Ron, joint is not a letter

Ron: Sorry kids. Todays letter is ... three...

Harry: Three is a number

Ron: Exactly, the number 3, which is how many joints ive smoked today. Hermi, are you with me??

Herm: O god, Im stoned

Harry: Me too.

they all laugh hysterical, kinda psycotic like 2

Dumby: Children, Children!! Show go on.

Harry: Thank you Proffessor. Ummmm how bout we say our ABC's Ron

Ron: Ok. A, B

Harry: C, D

Herm: E, F, R

Ron: G

Harry: Q

Herm: K, C

Ron: R, uuuh F

Harry: C

Herm: I forgot what we were doing Hairy

Harry: Did u jus call me Hairy??

Ron: Yes she did

Harry: Hairy, Hairy Pothead

All laugh hysterically

Ron: Ok thats all the time we have today. Goodbye kids

Herm: Todays show was brought to you by the letter ummmm

Harry: ...bong...

Herm: And the number ...

Ron: f... u. The number f... u

they all laugh hysterically again

Harry: Bye bye kids.

Harry theme song plays 


	37. Chapter 37

Harry: WHY did you kill EVERYONE that was important to me?? WHY???

Voldemort: I did it... for the lulz.

Harry: Oh... okay then.

Voldemort:...

Harry: Lulz!

Voldemort: Lulz!

* * *

Harry: Ginny, I have to dump you. If Voldemort EVER finds out about the two of us, he'll come after you! I can't have that!

Ginny: But... Harry, Snape knew about us, so... chances are Voldemort already knows anyways. So it doesn't matter, we could still be together!

Harry: Uh... uh... uh... -points- Is that GOD??

Ginny: -looks over shoulder-

Harry: -runs-

Ginny: DAMMIT.

* * *

Dumbledore: And your new DADA teacher--Severus Snape!

Snape: Pwnd, ya'll. PWND.

Everyone: -is PWND-

* * *

Ron: Can I ride your broomstick Harry?

Harry: Um...but Malfoy has it right now?

Ron: Did you assume I was making an innuendo? I wasn't

Harry: Oops I didn't want you to know I was gay.

* * *

Hermione: I'd hug you, Harry, but the cooties, you know?

* * *

harry potter: i hate hogwarts

* * *

ron: wooo weee johnny depp and orlando bloom SOOO ON MY LIST!!!

* * *

Hermione: Well, hello Professor Snape.

Snape: Hermione, you look...different.

Hermione: Thank you, Professor.

Snape (dazed): Call me Severus, I mean, call me Proffessor. you call me Professor THIS INSTANT!!!

* * *

Ron: Harry, what do call something that can be green, brown, or yellow?

Harry: Oh i love riddles! Hmmm... A slug.

Ron: No! your dia...

Hermione: Oh gross! Avada Kadavrah!

Ron: Wow hermione! your good!!!(ron dies)

Harry: Accio firebolt!!!(Harry jumps out of the window and onto his broom)

Hermione: Wow! he's good! (steps on rons corpse and leaves)

* * *

Hagrid admits to Harry, Ron, and Hermione that he's gay.

Hagrid: I shouldn't have told you that.

* * *

(After seeing the dragons he's going to face in the Triwizard Tournament)

Harry: Oh f uck this (leaves Hogwarts)

* * *

Voldemort (after killing Cedric): Cant touch this. DANANANA Cant touch this. Stop-Voldy Time!

* * *

Voldemort (on a cell phone with James Potter): Can you hear me now?

James: Yes.

Voldemort: Good. Avada Kedavra!!!

* * *

Voldemort: Do these robes make me look fat?

Lily Potter: Well, not so much fat... just kinda...

Voldemort: Avada Kedavra!

* * *

Igor Karkaroff: -looks at crossword- Voldemort.. whats a 13-letter dark spell that gives off green light?

Voldemort: Avada Kedavara!

* * *

DD: -In the pensieve with Harry- Well this is not the memory of mine I intended you to see..

Harry: Sir, how did you ever find time to do magic when you were 14? I mean 9 times in 1 nite.

DD: A spell of my own invention Harry... -long silence- want to learn it?

Harry: not really.

* * *

Ron: We gingers are a proud race! There are many great gingers such as Ron Howard and... others! 


	38. Snapes on a Plane

(Snape and Malfoy on the run)

Snape: So Draco, would you like another smore?

Malfoy: No thanks, Professor-

Snape: No need to call me Professor my dear, sweet little ferret...Severus will be fine.

Malfoy: Rigghht, so, umm, rite then Severus, no thank you I would not like another smore, I am STUFFED! I think the first 50 did me in!

Snape: Hmmm your loss, more for me!

Malfoy: So ummm, Prof- I mean, Snape, Severus how much longer r we going to be on the run because I could really go for a long, hot bubble bath and a massage rite about now...

Snape: Well Draco, Ive committed a heinous crime otherwise known as murder, for which you were a steady, right-hand accomplice, soo we'll probably be on the run forever...or until 1 of us croaks, which if I happen to, then youre on your own...but as for that bath, there's a small dirty, disease ridden water hole a few miles back...oh and the massage, now that I can do! Did you know that I used to be a masseuse! Yeah, that was actually my dream...big grin

Malfoy: No, no thanks Severus! I'll pass! disoriented look Hey, whoa did you see that? Wow, something just fell out of the sky!

Snape: Yes, yes I did indeed Draco...let's go investigate!

Malfoy: So, do you know what it is...?

Snape: It's a plane...

Malfoy: What's a plane?

Snape: Its a popular form of transportation used by muggles, see we can fly with brooms...but muggles, this is the only way those idiots can fly...

Malfoy: I see...

Snape: Let's have a look inside shall we...

Snape and Malfoy enter the plane in which surprisingly everyone aboard is unharmed but jus very badly shaken up...

Random person: AHHHH RUN FOR UR LIVES, ITS SNAPE! SNAPES ON A PLANE!!! 


	39. Chapter 39

Harry gets hit in the head with a bludger.

Harry: What is this?

Nurse: Head-on. Apply directly to the fore head.

* * *

**Snape:** _(Wearing a clowns nose)_ What's the matter, Potter? Don't you like my nose?

* * *

**Crookshanks:** _(To Mrs Norris)_ Hey baby...how 'bout we hit the town tonight?

* * *

Hermione: Hey daddy-o. School's for squares. I'm going to live in the woods and dig some psychotropics. Dig?

* * *

Hermione: Ron you look hot, baby

* * *

Dumbledore: Let's go on a killing spree!!

* * *

Harry: "its ok if you are gay ron, you dont have to pretend to like hermione

* * *

Harry: Ron, I had the dream again... about Voldemort... 

Ron: you mean the one where your in the backseat of a car and its all hott and steamy...?

Harry: NO! not that one... and I told you to never mention that again!

* * *

Snape: I think I'll go wash my hair.

* * *

Lily: Go out with me, Potter?

James: Hell no, you ugly bitch!

* * *

Snape: im sorry ive always been mean to you, weasley and potter but it is a way of hideing my true feeling for you whenever i get near you i feel as though i will explode in my pants.

* * *

Snape: "Innocent until proven guilty, Albus. Just because Potter was lurking outside of my storeroom in the middle of the night doesn't nessesarily indicate any ill intentions."

* * *

Snape: in front of the class "You guys really need to stop teasing Potter. You insolent little brats have no idea how much bullying can hurt. Let me tell you about the time I was hung upside down..."

* * *

Snape: holding up a laddle and letting some potion splash spill back into a cauldron for the class to see "This Love Potion is utter and sheer perfection, Longbottom. I suggest you take notes, Malfoy, Miss Parkinson."

* * *

Percy: -giggling to Fred and George- "Old man Crouch is positively FUMING. I just set off a whole pack of dung bombs in his office!"

* * *

Percy: -whispering excitedly- "Did you see the rack on that one, Ron?"

* * *

Percy: -showing up unexpectedly at Christmas dinner- "I have an announcement to make. Mum, dad, I'm gay."

* * *

Dumbledore: "Jesus beep CHRIST, Harry, what have you DONE?!"

* * *

Snape: "Gilderoy, are you positive this concoction will give my hair that nice bit of bounce?"

* * *

Hagrid: "I got a treat for yeh. Yeh ever seen Minerva 'n a thong? Oh, you wait, 'arry! Jus' you wait!"

* * *

Hermione: "Ron, does my butt look big in this?" 


	40. Chapter 40

Snape: "Quirrell, I've had my eye on you since the moment you arrived. Do you know how your eyes sparkle in the moonlight?"

* * *

Lucius: "Potter, do you know where I might find Granger? I was hoping to speak with her about joining S.P.E.W. Young Draco has been talking non-stop about it ever since he joined."

* * *

Winky: -to Mr. Crouch- "Why don't you fetch your own damn slippers for a change? Are you crippled?! I don't see you in a body brace!"

* * *

Hermione: -near hysterics, throwing down her brush- "Oh, my hair looks positively HIDEOUS!"

* * *

Harry: "Uncle Vernon, d'ya think...could you help me with my transfiguration homework?"

* * *

Snape: -on his knees wiping up spilled potion after class- "Oh, don't worry, Potter. It was just a few Filibuster fireworks. No harm done!"

* * *

Draco: "I hate that sorting hat, I really wanted to be in Hufflepuff - it is so much more of an unassuming House than Slytherin - my House always expect you to be a Death Eater when I really want to be a care of magical creatures assistant. I'm going to ask Hagrid for some work experience..."

* * *

Snape: "Potter, you look pretty today - that robe really matches your eyes."

* * *

Snape: "And also, your eyes remind me of Lily. I had the hots for her at school, did I ever tell you that?"

* * *

Dumbledore: "Harry, the universe is made up of lots of wonderful, mysterious things. For example picks up the Junior Encyclopedia of Space and reads one of the chapters it says here that the Sun is not actually a planet, it is molten lava! Did you know that Harry?!!!"

Harry: "Erm, yes Sir I did know that - although to be honest I couldn't care less, I prefer lessons with Professor Snape to you - he is more fun."


	41. Chapter 41

**Submitted by _DJizcool:_**

Dumbledore: (sitting on a 84-metre tall pile of Bertie's everyflavour beans boxes) I never told you I quite enjoyed Bertie's Everyflavour Beans, did I? Ah well, all part of the script.  
Harry: But didn't you taste an earwax-flavoured one?  
Dumbledore: Yes, it was quite nice actually, sweet and yet not overly...  
Harry: backs away

* * *

**THE STORY**

Ron: "I want to have babies with you Hermione."

Hermione: "Oh Won Won, do you?! Let's get cracking then before the end of this book series - we may be killed soon!"

* * *

Lucius: "I have discovered Jesus now while sitting in this prison cell and have repented all my sins. I now want to divorce Narcissa and live like a monk."

* * *

Snape: "Who doesn't like fluffy pink bunnies? I know I do!"

* * *

**Harry**: Look Draco, we really need to stop doing this...

**Draco**: Come on, its fun!

**Harry**: What if someone finds out what were doing?

**Draco**: It's nothing to be ashamed of...

**Harry**: But...

**Draco**: Fine if you don't want to be in my cooking club, I'll ask Ron!

**Hermione**: Oh Draco, I've been dreaming of this all day!

**Draco**: Yeah Yeah, me too, blah blah blah!

**Hermione**: Come here so I can see those buns!

**Ron** (bursting in): I knew it I knew it!

**Hermione**: Uh...no...Ron, it's not what it seems!

**Ron**: Draco how could you make the buns with Hermione? I thought I was the only one in the cooking club!

* * *

McGonigle: Severus, can you whip up a batch of that special potion you make for me? I'm having one of those "not so fresh" days.

* * *

Harry: "Actually Ginny, the reason I broke up with you is that redheads really freak me out, know what I mean?" 

Ginny: "Well Harry, you weren't complaining last week in the haystack!!"

* * *

Umbridge: "You know, those centaurs really know how to please a woman - I haven't been able to sit down for a week!!! stares dreamily into the distance"

* * *

Fred and/or George: "Do you know Percy, you actually are the coolest of our brothers - we want to be more like you. Any tips?"

* * *

Bill: "I want to follow Dad's advice on muggle stitches and surgical procedures and get a face transplant - I wouldn't mind being handsome again, those goblins were nicer to me when I was handsome."

* * *

Hagrid: "I've just bought myself a little kitten named Lucius - so cute and cuddly, just like you Lucius."

* * *

Snape: "Potter, would you like a lemon drop?" 


	42. Chapter 42

**Submitted by _LeonaKat:_**

Ron: Will you break up with Victor and go with me instead to the Yule Ball?  
Hermione: Aw! Ron that's so sweet! Do you like me?  
Ron: Not really, but Harry wants to go with Victor!  
Harry: Hell yeah!  
Nevile: But Harry, I was gonna ask you!  
Cedric: I'll go with you Nevvie!  
Nevile: Woot!(They go into a closet)  
Ron: But Cedric...  
Cho: Hey Hermione, wanna ditch the forgein kid and go with me?  
Hermione: Hell yeah! (They start making out)  
Victor: Over here 'Arry! (They find another closet)  
Ron: But, But, But! Now I'm dateless!! (Hermione and Cho look at each other)  
Both: Threesome!! (They go find another closet)  
(Fade to JKR sitting by her computer)  
JKR: Hm... I think this works...

* * *

Story start:

Moody: I'd give my left eye for a quick peek under Madam Hooch's robes.

* * *

Snape to Trelawny: I'm naked under these robes, baby.

* * *

Ron: The square of the hypotenuse is equivalent to the sum of the squares of the other two sides.

* * *

Hermione: I didn't have time to study for the test, Pansy was putting a perm in my hair last night.

* * *

Flitwick: I'm a little teapot short and stout, here is my handle and here is my spout.

* * *

Professor Binns: Enough about Goblin Wars, today we are going to watch the muggle movie Big Bad Mama starring Angie Dickinson.

* * *

Luscious: I want to change my look a little to spice up my marriage. How do you think I'd look with ... cornrows?

* * *

Ron: No pudding for me, I overdid it on the salad.

Harry: Me either, I'm trying to get into swimsuit shape.

* * *

Snape: Stir in exactly 2 tablespoons of ground dragonfly wings and simmer until the pasta is al dente.

* * *

Trelawney: I see a dark cloud hanging over this room. I see you students running for your lives. I really shouldn't have eaten that leftover lasagna for lunch.

* * *

Dumbledore: Do you have one of my Chocolate Frog cards?

Harry: Go fish.

* * *

Ron: Hermione, the house elves are striking. Why aren't you celebrating?

Hermione: My room's a mess, who's going to clean it now?

* * *

Harry: How did you get an Outstanding on your Potions O.W.L.?

Ginny: They're called tits, Harry 


	43. Chapter 43

Molly to Arthur: Whatever you think is best dear. You're the boss.

* * *

Sirius: Harry, even though I'm supposed to be your god-father, I have deep, intimate feelings for you.

Harry: Uh, sorry, I'm with Malfoy.

* * *

Hermione: You filthy little house-elf, I oughta kick your scrawny ass—

Kreacher: Sorry, madame, I must follow the orders of my beloved Muggle-Born.

* * *

Mrs. Weasley: Oops, I did it again!

* * *

Cho Chang: Hey, Hermione licks lips sexually, what are you doing?

* * *

Snape: Isn't it such a beautiful day?

* * *

Petunia: Dudley's fat ass can't fight off a Dementor!

* * *

Ron: As such, air is a colorless, odorless, tasteless, gaseous mixture, mainly nitrogen (approximately 78 percent) and oxygen (approximately 21 percent) with lesser amounts of argon, carbon dioxide, hydrogen, neon, helium, and other gases, thereby explaining the complex laws of our highly prerequisite H20.

Hermione: Huh?

* * *

Mommy Weasley: I have some news.

mumbles of "what's up" from everyone at the table

Mommy Weasley: Ginny became a little woman today.

Ginny: **MOM!**

Exit Ginny

* * *

Ron: Why am i hermoine's bitch?

* * *

Harry: oh beep i thought you said 2 rubbers and a whip

* * *

Ginny: Like a Virgin! touched for the very first time!

* * *

Hermione: Oh Harry!

Harry: Oh Hermione!

Together: _repeatedly_oh

Hermione: I love you Harry!

Harry: Well what the fc does that have to do with us being stuck inside Buckbeak? I hate that fcig hippogriff!


	44. Chapter 44

Ron: DAMN theres nothing on tv, okay hermione sex time!

Hermione: Jesus thats the third time in half a hour.

Harry: omg you are still fighting over this?

Ron: shes so rebellious...

Hermione: Can i go at it with harry for a change?

ron: If you go at it with draco

hermione: Fine!

draco: This is the greatest day of my life!

Hermoine: but first i need to work on eliminating spew...

* * *

Harry: Hurry up, we have to kill ourselves, or else this series will fall to the happy ending cliché, and this entire series will be POINTLESS!

* * *

Dolores Umbridge: I believe what Harry says it's true. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is indeed back.

* * *

Harry: "Come on guys! We'll be late for my favorite class! Potions!" 

Hermione: "But I'm working on my Wronski Feint."

Harry: "I don't care about your Wonky-Faint thingie, I want to know what I got on my essay!"

* * *

Snape: "You're so beautiful, with the moonlight on your skin, the way it shines off your hair. I love you, you're the only one for me." 

McGonagall: "I beg your pardon?"

* * *

Harry to Umbridge: I keep acting up in your class to get your attention... because honestly, I'm mad about you. Let's run away together."

* * *

Ron to Hermione: "You. Me. Closet. Now."

* * *

Harry: "Maybe Voldemort is just misunderstood."

* * *

Ron: "Hey mom... de-gnome your own DAMN GARDEN!"

* * *

Hermione: "You notice how I'm a stickler for the rules yet I continue to break them?"

* * *

Snape: "Harry.. I'm on step 9, and well... I want to make amends."

* * *

Voldemort: "Hey Lucius...hehe...(in Napoleon Dynamite voice) Can I have some of your tots?"

* * *

Draco: Pop...long hair makes you look like a fag..." 


	45. Chapter 45

(Harry steps off Buckbeak with an 'I'm going to kick your ass' look)

Hermione: "No!"

Ron: "You're with him! You brought him here to kill me!"

Harry: "We're so gonna get sued for this..."

Ginny: "Hey! I can assure you she's nowhere near Harry. I've made sure of that..." winks at Hermione

Ron: "You will not take her from me!"

Ginny: "It's not my fault I'm more pleasurable in-"

Ron: "Wait, the kid's mine, right?"

Ginny: "Depends... when did you guys..."

Harry: getting a headache "Ginny, please!"

Ron: "Oh right, the epic battle. "Stupefy!"

Ron: "And now, it's time to fight. Because ginny's going to kick my ass and I know I can kick Harry's!"

Harry: "In your dreams, fuwit!"

Harry and Ron go to fight

Hermione: "Are they gone?"

Ginny: nods "Now come on, there's an empty broom closet with our name on it!"

* * *

Harry: "You have allowed your dad's boss to twist your mind until now... until now you've become what you swore to destroy, a Ministry ass-kisser like Percy."

Ron: "Don't lecture me, Harry. I see through the lies of the Aurors... I do not fear wizard politics as you do. I have brought peace, freedom, justice, and security to my new Ministry!"

Harry: "Your new Ministry?! You're working for a guy called Fudge, dude!"

Ron: "If you're not with me... then you're my enemy!"

Harry: "Bring it on, Won Won!"

Ron: "Oh, you bastard!"

Ron jumps to attack

Harry: "Diffindo!"

Ron is sliced at the waist.

Ron: "You ass! That's only for tapestries."

Harry: shrugs "Ask me if I give a crap. Incendio!"

Ron: catches fire

Harry: "That's what happens when you try to steal my spotlight! I'm the Chosen One! Didn't you get the memo?"

Ron: "I HATE YOU!"

Harry: "Feeling's mutual." walks away 


	46. A Harryand Dumby conversation

Harry: "... and If I hadn't gone to the ministry, Sirius wouldn't have... wouldn't have..."

Dumbledore: "Harry. Stop being a bitch."

Harry: "wh-wha...?"

D: "Harry, Harry. Look at me. You're being a bitch."

H: "But... Sirius... he's"

D: Man up, Harry. Tell me, do u hav any balls? Ne balls at all?"

H: "I-"

D: "What you need is some... _physical therapy._ Say, what ever happened between you and that fine Japanese chick, Ching Chong?"

H: "Her name's Cho Chang, and she's Chinese. And we kind of broke up, we had a fight."

D: "Aww, beep that st, Harry. She was a fine piece. You need to hit that! You need to hit it now! Tap it like a poker hand!"

H "I don't think that's a good way to deal with Sirius' de-"

D: "Dammit Harry! What did I tell you about being a bitch?"

H: "..."

D: "Harry, _what did I tell you about being a bitch?_

H: "...don't be a bitch."

D: "That's right. Now go tap that fine veitnamese piece of A."

H: "Chinese..."

D: "Flip her upside down and give her the Peruvian Wiggle! Then let her taste the Tasmanian Worm Wrestle! Then, my patented move, pin her up against the ceiling, grab some chili powder and Babecue sauce, and.."

H: "I'm leaving. I'm just going to, you know, wash out my ears with _sulfuric acid_. I'll see you around professor. Thanks for completely depleting my sex drive. Forever."

D: (Now animating the acts wildly) "By now, she should be bleeding from the ears. This is normal. Just cram some onions in- Hey, where'd Harry go?" 


	47. Chapter 47

Voldemort: 'Hermione, do you reckon you could help me with some reading and studying?'

* * *

Snape: 'Potter! Granger! In my office now! Hurry up, we haven't got all day.'

Potter: 'Sir, can you tell me what the fck is going on?'

Granger:' Harry! Don't fcking swear at Professor Snape! Sht, I just said fck!'

Snape:'Will you shut the fck both of you? before I fcking fck you both up the ass'

Potter:' What? You can actually do that? I might consider it.'

Granger:' Um, I'd rather do Harry, sir, Well, he's a lot cuter, and well, I um well, have a cr... a cr... a crush. Oh, Harry! You fill up my senses'

-They all sing Annie's Song by John Denver-

* * *

Harry to Ginny: Shut up fire-crotch!

* * *

Ron: Harry, well I haven't had a date in like...my whole life, so I've decided I'm so deperate I will take you up on that offer!

Harry: Hell Yeah!

* * *

Ginny to Ron: Don't worry you'll find the right girl, just you wait!

* * *

Cho and a cousin of hers are together Harry: Wait, which one of you is Cho again?

* * *

Hermione: I got a C! Yes!

* * *

Malfoy: Harry Im mean to you because I don't know how to express my true feelings...I love you!

* * *

Malfoy: Hey, Hermione, wanna have wild animal sex?

Hermione: Get me drunk and I'll find someone to make it a threesome.

* * *

Snape: Oh, dear, Harry got another F...better give him some extra credit!

* * *

McGonagal: Harry shut up and sit down before I go death-eater all over yo ass!

* * *

Fleur: Sure I'll go on a date with you Ron!

* * *

Parvarti to Padma: Wait, which one are you?

* * *

Harry: Ron, your sister is... (breaks out into cheerleader song) U.G.L.Y., UGLY AS SIN! Can't help myself I gotta say it again! U.G.L.Y. UGLY as sin! That creepy-crawly creature's getting under my skin! Once more! Again! She's really ugly as SIN! 


	48. Chapter 48

Ron: Harry, I know your true feelings for Hermione.

Harry: You do??

Ron: Yes I do.

Harry: But Ron, you're with Hermione! I never meant to-

Ron: Well I had her first!

Harry: Well, I liked her!

Ron: But I'M going out with her!

Harry: That's why I want her!

Hermione: Wait what???

Harry: Ron, I'm sick of you having all the attention.

Ron: I'm sorry Harry! You can have Hermione if you want her.

Harry: sniff I don't want her.I only did because you wanted her.

Hermione: Guys??

Ron: I never liked her either! laughs

Harry: Really??

Ron: Yeah!

Harry: Whoa! Now let's go hook up with those twins!

Ron: Alright!!

Hermione: What about MEE??

Harry: Well, uh, Snape's over there and... well you can figure out the rest.

* * *

Voldemort: Whoaa girls just wanna have fuu-un!

* * *

Trelawney: Like OMG Harry! You're not going to die today!

Harry: Really??

Trelawney: Yeah!

Harry: That's great! So um,,, when AM I going to die?

Trelawny: No... Harry... you're not going to die. EVER. You're going to be all old and wrinkly and have to go to a muggle hospital!

Harry: NOOOOO!!

* * *

Hermione: Like Ohmygawd I soo totally have to go get a mani pedi... my cuticles are like GONE!

* * *

Cho: Harry, I feel sorry for you. That's why I went out with you.

Harry: Really?? It had nothing to do with the fact that I was the freakin boy who lived?? Huh???

Cho: No not really. I just wanted to see up close if you really did give yourself a henna tattoo on your forehead. Yup. It's there alright. 


	49. Chapter 49

Ron: Percy, I really respect and admire you. I think that you are an inspiration and sniff you're the best brother a guy could have!!!

* * *

Harry: I miss Dudley!

* * *

Hermione: Hey Winky! Bring me a butterbeer!

Winky: What am I your slave?

Hermione: Yes!

Winky: What about S.P.E.W?

Hermione: Screw S.P.E.W. and bring me my damn butterbeer!!

* * *

Voldamort: I'm a supergirl im gunna rule the world with my supernatural powwweeerrrssss!

Lusious: Du da du da duda day, IMA SUPERGIRL!

Draco: Du da du da du da day SUPERGIRL!

* * *

Dumbledore: They see me mowin, my front lawn! I jknow there all thinking im too white and naerdy!

* * *

Snape: I cant belive you draco, bullying can be hurtful to your future! and to my favorite student, Harry!

* * *

Ron: lavender, im after herminie!

* * *

Draco: Ned, I need your school survival guide!

* * *

HARRY: Oh my password? In excange for ginny? Alright, 1...2...3...4...5.

* * *

Herminie:Guess who Won won?

* * *

Vernan: Harry, its Transfiguration, not transfiuraion. You need help, Ill hel;p you with your transfiguration homework!

* * *

Ron: Crookshanks, your the best cat ever!

* * *

Draco: How come wizards are reproducing so fast, are they sex addicts or something?

* * *

Ron: (on the hogwarts express) The wheels on the train go round and round.

* * *

Herminie: Screw spew, im out ! Get me my fricken butterbeer!

* * *

Draco: Herminie, can i join spew? Crabb and goyle like it and i want to be JUST LIKE THEM!

Hermione: Buzz off!

* * *

Ron: (Makes a beeline for the closet) Hermione, come here!

* * *

-Fred and george are in a broom clostet hiding from flitch-

Fred: Hey george, want to invite that chinise chick cho chang?

* * *

Percy: POOF! Yes its true dean im gay! Wanna take a shower with me

-Dean runs -

* * *

Ron: Seamus, harry! Gather round! I gots pics of hermione naked!

Harry: (yawns) Ive already seen a naked girl. Remember when me and ginny were in the same room?

* * *

Bill: Yes, im marrying flour too! Remember, im a sex addict. 


	50. Chapter 50

Harry: If only all the teachers were like snape...

* * *

Snape: Stoppit! One of my potions backfired.

Dean: Who were you trying to turn into, britney spears, snape?

* * *

Hermione: Oh i knew i was gunna get raped!

* * *

Ron: I wish i was a llama...

* * *

Ron: Why am i hermiones ?

* * *

Sirius: Sev, you know you can tell me anything. -Takes hold of Snape's hand-

Snape: I love you.

Sirius: Oh, I love you too!

-They make out-

* * *

Harry: "well i have to thank my godfather. he blessed me with it"

Cho: "i want it. i want it harry!"

harry: "are you beep serious!!! this thing cost him a hundred galleons" oh... (seeing the look on cho's face)... you werent talkin about my firebolt?

Cho: "no harry i wasnt. take me for a ride"


	51. Chapter 51

HERMIONE GRANGER: "Stop making fun of my breasts!"  
RON WEASLEY: "What breasts? You have no breasts. Go get some breasts, and I'll make fun of them." [Hermione runs away crying  
HARRY POTTER: "Your ability to soothe the savage female beast is truly staggering."  
RON WEASLEY: "Thank you."

Hermione: F uck this sh!t! -Throws homework into fireplace-

Snape: -Sings "Sexyback" by Justin Timberlake-

Lockhart: God, I'm fugly!

Dumbledore: Who's up for an orgy in my office?

RON: "Hermione, will you shut up?! I'm trying to focus on my school work here!"

Dumbldeore: (to Snape) My father once told me to keep my friends close, but my enemies closer

Snape: (to Sirius) My mama once told me that life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what your gonna get.

Hagrid: Why is the rum always gone (sadly he might actually say that)

Hermione: Ron I feel like ditching class to play quidditch

Ginny: I'm gay everyone, and I don't mean happy either

Ron: I can't wait to go to class POTIONS  
Hermione: Ugg how can you like potions now Divination that is an interesting subject.

Harry: (to Voldemort) May the force be with you

Voldemort: singing to himself in the shower. "I wanna know what love is. I want you to show me. I wanna feel what love is. I know you can show me"

DUMBLEDORE: "Harry, something very important you need to understand is that... procrastination is like masturbation. It feels great when you're doing it, but in the end, you're just screwing yourself."  
HARRY: "Words of wisdom, big D! Thanks!"

ARTHUR WEASLEY: "7 kids later, and me and Molly still got the heat!"  
GINNY: "Eww! I can't know that!"  
GEORGE: "Dad, that's disgusting!"  
FRED: "That's our mother you're talking about you sick bastard!"  
ARTHUR: "That's right boys. I shagged your mother!" [maniacal laughter "And damn was she good! Total demon in the sack, I tell you!"

RON: "Harry, I love you. I've always loved you. I didn't understand it before, but I do understand it now. Please, say you'll be mine, I'll take you away from all this."  
HARRY: "God I wish I knew how to quit you."  



	52. Chapter 52

HERMIONE: "Ronald Bilius Weasley!"  
RON: "Uh-oh. You never call me by my full name unless you're mad at me. Or unless we're having sex. Wait a minute - are you mad at me during sex?!"  
HERMIONE: "Some times."

(Harry in Dumbledore's office)  
Harry: Whats in that back room, Dumbledore?  
Dumbledore: Why, thats my masterbatorium, Harry. Would you like to see it?

Voldemort: "Guys you know I was just fcking around all these years right? Guys?"

Snape: Longbottom... You realize that your potion is not supposed to be the same hot pink as my boxers?

McGonagal: Alright, Weasley... I'll accept your homework tomorrow, but this is the last time you can use all your family's wealth to bribe me!

Crabbe (or Goyle): Look, Draco old chap, I do wish you wouldn't be so hard on Potter. You are rather horrible to the poor lad. I suggest you give him a break.

Ron to Harry: "Hey, Harry...do you ever get that not-so-fresh feeling?"

Hermione: "Damn boxer shorts...my testicles are all over the place!"

Voldermort: "A Reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20:  
Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying, 'Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, 'First thou pullest the Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'

HERMIONE: "Ron, do you like movies about gladiators?"

Filch: Shall we prowl around , my sweet? wink, wink, nudge, nudge

HERMIONE: "I'm too pretty to go to jail!"  



	53. Chapter 53

**A/N: I know I havent been here for awhile but also no ones reviewing. Do I suck that bad:(. Please someone review before I post the next chap. If its even just to "great list" or w/e**

* * *

Draco: Hey, Potter, Is it true you have a Mudblood friend, Granger 

Snape: Draco! That's enough! 50 points from Slytherin.

Draco: Hey, Severus, not looking too good, are you?

Snape: I said that's enough! Another 50 points from Slytherin. One more word, and I shall let Harry do whatever he wants with you. Silence!

Draco: But...

Snape: Potter, do what you will with Draco.

Potter: Cool... Might take me a little while to think about it. Hmmm...

* * *

Snape: "Look Sirius, there's a war going on, and we need to put our differences behind us. You know, be an example to your godson, and for the love of God, tell Lupin how you really feel about him before he starts humping your leg. The tension is killing all of us." 

Sirius: "You know about that?"

Snape: "Yes."

Sirus: "Do you think Remus knows?"

Snape: "Yes. I thought, it was about time you did something about it. Take him out for a drink, then after twenty minutes, casually drop in the fact that you want to marry him and have lots of sex and babies."

Sirius: "You know about that?"

Snape: "Yes, and so does Lupin. For all our sakes, it's Christmas."

* * *

Snape: Potter can you please show Draco how to beat a boggart, he says he can't get rid of it wen it turns into Hello Kitty.

* * *

Lucius: (eye twitching) The chicken pattys are taking over! IM NOT CRAZY! IM NOT CRAZY!

* * *

Hermione: S.P.E.W is stupid, House elves are weird, books are retarted, homework is the worst, Professor McGonnagal gives me to much homework, school oh don't even get me started! And did I mention that I love Draco Malfoy? And Harry and Ron oh they are just horrible people and Voldemort is really nice.

* * *

Draco (to Lucius): Dad, I'm getting married to Hermione Granger. 

Lucius: Oh how wonderful! Let's get started on planning this wedding right away!

* * *

Voldemort: Hmmm, I think I'll invite Dumbledore and Harry over for tea today so we can save the pink furry bunnies!

* * *

Snape: "Good morning sunshine! The earth says hello!"

* * *

Harry: "It's a three-headed dog. It doesn't have motivation." 

Hermione: "See, that's your problem, Harry. You were never serious about the Craft.

* * *

Moody : Potter! Y'eh set me bloody eye on fire again, and you'll 'ave trouble! 

Potter: Shut up!!!

* * *

Snape: Harry, I have something to tell you 

Harry: Really? Is it about Voldemort, or Hermione?

Snape: No. It's about... you...

Harry: Why does every bloody effing thing have to be about me for?

Snape: Don't get angry darling. I love you. I'm a poof. Are you a poof, Potter?

Harry: NO! Stop making me blush! I'm bisexual! I love you too Severus... but I also love Hermione. Last night...

Snape: -interrupts- I know, I was spying on you, you horny little devil!!

* * *

Dumbedore: Argus, Argus! Stop peeing on the cat!

* * *

Hermione: Minerva McGonagall! Stop making me do homework, bitch. I'll tear you apart limb from limb!

* * *

Mme Maxime: HOLY CRAP, HAGRID! YOU'RE HUNG LIKE A HIPPOGRIFF! YOU'LL BREAK ME IN TWO WITH THAT THING! 

Hagris: Thats kinda the point Olympe

* * *

Harry to Ron: Okay, how bout i get hermione on weekends, and you can have her on weekdays.

Ron: Aw i wanted weekends, she's always studying weekdays.

Harry: not my problem.

Ron: What about public holidays.

Harry: they count as weekends.

Ron: f&!


	54. 54 and Draco the Hippogriffaholic

Sirius: Harry, I'm not your godfather. I'm actually your father's brother's cousin's brother's uncle's son. 

Filch to the Weasley twins: Could you show me how to set off those dungbombs?

Voldemort: Peter, I just want you to know I really appreciate al your hard work- here's your hand back.

Hagrid: Hey Draco, step in to my hut, me and Fang have a little suprise for yeh'...

Ginny: Harry, I want a commitment from you. If not, I 'll just have to go to Snape...

mcgonagell : harry, NO you may NOT see Professor Dumbledore. I see what you are trying to do, are you sleeping with him? HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME?

argus finch: harry, ron, hermione..you think you three can feed miss norris when im away?

dumbledore: Harry, please just you know figure out those horcruxes on your own? i need a flipping holiday! its not like im 20 years old!

hermione: Draco, im really sorry i punched you, i hope you can forgive me?

Fred Weasley: george, i really think we should start concentrating on our education instead of the joke shop? we havent exactly graduated you know!

Parvati Patil: My goodness, did you see the size of Firenze's penis?!?

* * *

Draco: "Hello, my name is Draco...and...and...I'm a hippogriffaholic."  
Group: "Hi Draco!"  
Draco: "You see, it all started in my third year of school when one attacked me. His beautiful name was Buckbeak, and he attacked me in a class. At first, I was mad, and tried to get him executed, but then I realized I was covering up for my true feelings. I wanted him. I wanted him so bad, but it went against everything my family has stood for. Even then, it was the start of a long , horrible journey down the road of beastiality, but now, I've been hippogriff free for three months.  
Group: -applauds- -gives him bronze coin- "Remember, one day at a time."  
Draco: "One day at a time." 


	55. 55 and end of DH and Harry and fanfic

Ron: "Hey Neville, what do you have there?" Neville: "This is a flesh-eating Frecklicious. It only eats skin that has freckles on it. Man, he's beginning to look hungry. -looks pointedly at Ron-  
Ron: "I gotta go."

* * *

Hermione: "Professor Snape, what conditioner do you use on your hair? Mine is absolutely ghastly, and I would appreciate your help. Your hair shines so when you are in the sun...well, when you do go outside four times a year for Quidditch matches anyway."  
Snape: "I use SuperSleekeezy potion. Although I'm afraid the ingrediants are not to your taste. The potion contains house-elf skin."  
Hermione: "Oh god, I don't care, I just want to brush my hair for once without breaking my brush in half."  
Snape: "Very well. I will let you have a phial for ten galleons."  
Hermione: -bangs them on the counter- "Popularity, here I come!"

* * *

Sirius: Harry, I have to tell you something. It's...it's Remus. He's dead.  
Harry: OMG! What happened?!  
Sirius: He was attacked by a bunch of deatheaters. There was a huge explosion and...this is all that's left of him.  
-Shows Harry a little brown moustache-  
Harry:Oh no! Oh my god!

* * *

Snape (playing with his teddy): Hey, Mister Huggykins! I'm going to kill Dumbledore. But it's a secret! Shh! Don't tell anyone. I wuv you

* * *

Harry: I hate those people on the internet! They keep saying that my hair looks ugly now. That's totally not true! I think it looks great! And what is up with all those sick fanfictions? How could anyone pair me up with Draco Malfoy? That is just so totally ridiculos! Or with Ron. I mean...we're friends, but nothing more. Isn't that obvious? Like...OMG! And some people think I'm emo. Ok...that's just seriously messed up! I have black ahir, but I don't have a typical emo haircut. And if you don't know what a typical emo haircut looks like then...well that's just your problem, alright? And I'm not overly emotional and sensitive! I don't even remember the last time I cried. Ok...maybe I do remember. But that's because my life is so hard! I have to defeat Lord Voldemort who is like the most powerful and evil wizard ever. How would you feel? And many people close to me have died. Like...Dumbledore and my godfather Sirius died. I hate that Snape and Bellatrix! I want them both to die slowly. I wanna stab them like...so totally! Some people actually think Snape could be good! Ok...that is seriously messed up! The whole world has gone insane, ok? I just don't know what to do anymore! My life is like a black abyss. It's like...so dark! It's all suffocating me!

* * *

Lily: Hey Voldy how about you just kill Harry now and you and me go out for a drink?

* * *

Harry: Ohmigod! Ohmigod! There is no RED CARPET! Duuuh the CHOSEN ONE needs a RED CARPET!

* * *

Fred: Are brothers allowed to date each other?

* * *

Dumbledore: Honsetly who gives a fk if Voldemort takes over the universe? He looks pretty damn hot!

* * *

Ron: I hate the Chudley Cannons. Hermione can you ask Vicky if I could have a signed poster? Nothing much just a full shot...

* * *

Harry: Riddle you've made a mistake. What I ask you to do is look for some remorse

Voldy: What? Is it more that love crap Dumbledore was trying to feed during Hogwarts?  
Harry: Well… not exactly. It's a different form of love. Its more of a physical thing  
Voldy: What?  
Harry: Voldy, hows your sex life?  
Voldy: What? You have no business there  
Harry: That bad? I have some great number and names I could give you. Helped me through my 5th year here.  
Voldy: … really?  
Harry: Yes but first you have to look for some remorse  
Voldy: Remorse… for prostitutes? Its not worth it. I can get my own  
Harry: Doesn't look like it but if you say so… Expelliarmus  
Voldy: Avada Kedavra  
-End of DH-


	56. Chapter 56

Voldemort: Harry? Are you free tomorrow night? Because my nails need doing.

* * *

Cho: Harry I gotta tell ya. Ya scar should have been the the shape of a...

* * *

Cho: harry ya dont get enough limelight... Ron?

* * *

Snape: I was thinking of taking some flowers for gilderoy. I need tips for my hair.

* * *

Hermione: Oh yes! Go me! i got an F!

* * *

Harry: "What are you talking about? I have perfect control over my emotions, thank you very much.  
-Ron and Hermione stare-  
Harry: "God! YOU GUYS GET LIKE THIS EVERYTIME! I AM IN CONTROL!!!"  
Hermione: "Harry, you're yelling."  
Harry: "I'M NOT YELLING YOU BOSSY WITCH!"  
Ron: "Here, Harry, have a cookie."  
Harry: "Oooh! Cookie."

* * *

McGonnagal: I'm Fergalicious

* * *

Hermione: Harry, I have something important to tell you, i'm a lesbi...  
Harry: -takes earphones out of ears- Sorry, what?  
Hermione: Nothing!

* * *

Ron: Oh my god ,we're all going to die  
Hermione: What are we going to do ?  
Harry: Only JK can get us out of this one.

* * *

Ron: Herm, Id give you a dozen roses, 11 real one fake, and ill love you till the last one dies  
Herm: Aww thats so sweet but Im engaged to Harry now  
Ron:O

* * *

Voldemort to Death Eaters: "You guys, I've decided: Our uniforms are too damn scary. So I've decided to redesign them." -pulls out fuzzy pink bunny suit-

* * *

Fred:Are twin brothers allowed to date each other?

* * *

harry(to voldemort): cant we just forget about all this and i'll take you out for a drink?

* * *

ginny (to harry): omfg i love you come here (they start having mad animal sex)  
ron : oh oh me to me to (he joins in)

* * *

Herimone: Oh this is he best I got a "T" in Transfiguraton! -does a mad dance-

* * *

Harry: You know what? Its times like this when you start to miss Dudley

* * *

Umbrige: Oh NO! Harry was right! WE'RE ALL GUNNA DIE!

* * *

Harry: "I'd rather spend some family time with the Dursleys' than with you, Herimone, you filthy mudblood!  
-Hermione sobs and gives Harry the finger-  
Ron: Don't you ever say that to my girlfriend Harry! AVADA KEDAVRA!!!  
-Instantly kills Harry-

* * *

Ron: Harry, who died and made you the boss?

Harry: Dumbledore

Ron: Oh ya. What now boss?

Harry: -puts foot on table- Massage my feet 

* * *

Harry: screw the wizarding world.. 

* * *

Ron: WHO NEEDS MONEY! 


End file.
